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VIR WIE IS DIE KURSUS?

– Jong Getroudes
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– Selfs enkellopendes wat hulleself wil gereed kry vir ‘n langtermyn verhouding.  

ONDERWERPE BEHELS: 

Intimiteit
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Huwelik Seminaar

Week #1: The sacred Marriage Union

The sacred Marriage Union

the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Eph 5:31-32.

The Bible is OUR DIVINE guide for life, but it can be confusing at times. Some parts need careful interpretation to avoid justifying things like racial genocide, slavery, and other troubling practices.

Particularly so, when it comes to God’s plan for marriage.  In the earliest times we see that polygamy is widely accepted, how should one understand this?  Remember, our understanding of God has evolved over time, especially leading up to Jesus.  

For instance, in the past, buying and selling slaves was an accepted social norm, but Jesus changed that. He taught that no one is greater than another, and Paul, in a letter, even asked a friend to treat a runaway slave as a brother.  

Our revelation of God’s plan and will for marriage has also evolved and developed into what we now understand, that marriage is not merely a civil contract, or social norm to cohabitate and raise children.  As followers of Jesus Christ we see marriage as the mirroring of the divine unity found in the Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). We’re made in God’s image, desiring that same unity.

Christians should effectively demonstrate to those outside their faith that a Christ-centered marriage is superior. It serves as a tangible representation of divine unity, akin to the Trinity described as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. As we are created in God’s image, our natural inclination is towards unity and oneness.

The challenge with how marriage is depicted in the Bible over time appears to be an ongoing one. To discover the best approach for the divine union we seek in Christ Jesus, it’s necessary to carefully examine the historical mistakes, errors, and shortcomings of biblical couples and traditions.

If you search the word “marry or married” you’ll come up with 148 hits. However, the word for “marriage” or “marry” in Biblical Hebrew is better translated “Take a woman,” or “To be given to a man,” or “To belong to a man.” The word used for “husband” in Biblical Hebrew is Baal. It literally means “Master.” In ancient cultures, including the Hebrews, women were treated as property, slaves, and trading commodities that should be bought or sold. In many cases, marriages were arranged for diplomatic purposes. This is where the idea of “dowry or lobola” comes from. Love was not a factor in choosing a wife at all and only became mainstream culture with the beginning of television and digital media. More OT ancient examples of validation for marriage are where a man was permitted to take a woman captured in battle and make her his wife (Deuteronomy 21:10–14). And a further extreme; required to marry a woman whom he has raped (Deuteronomy 22:28–29)

If someone were to look back and base their theology of marriage on figures like Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and even later, David, they would find that polygamy was accepted during their time. However, it’s clear that this was not a path to achieving true marital oneness.

Adultery was condemned, but only the women carried the main guilt. When a woman slept with someone other than her husband, she and her lover were considered to have committed a crime punishable by stoning. A married man could indeed freely sleep with another woman as long as she wasn’t someone else’s wife. (Leviticus 20:10). Certainly, this behaviour is not conducive to the long-lasting, covenantal holy union. Even in the NT this was still the case when only the women caught in adultery were brought out to Jesus to be stoned. Where was the man she had intercourse with? Understandably, many women feel the bible is on the men’s side.

WHEN ARE WE MARRIED?

There is also very little information and guidelines on the Marriage ceremony. According to some of the very few wedding feasts described in the Bible, we can conclude that consummation was seen as three events.[1] The Civil Contract, Consummation and the Public Feast.

Isaac & Rebecca:

1. Civil Contract (Gen 24:33; 51-53; 57-58)
2. Consummation (Gen 24:64-67

Jakob & Leah

1. Civil Contract (Gen 29:15-20)
2. Consummation (Gen 29:21-26)
3. Public Feast (Gen 29:27-28)

Jabob & Rachel

1. Civil Contract (Gen 29:27)
2. Consummation (Gen 29:30)
3. Public Feast (Gen 29:27-28)

The Civil Contract was reached between families, and practical considerations like economic sustainability and housing were discussed and agreed.

The Feast was to call all family, friends and neighbours to witness and be part of the union. No couple exist on an island and in isolation. The role and input of blood family, work and cultural family determines one’s success in life. It takes a church, or village to raise a child.

Over the years, these practices took on different forms and varied according to local customs.

According to a Bible scholar churches didn’t even keep records of who was married to whom before the Reformation. Martin Luther considered marriage to be a “worldly matter,” and, not wanting to be encumbered by record-keeping, he turned over the recording of marriages to the state. John Calvin believed that for a marriage to be valid, it needed to be recorded by both the state and officiated by the church. The Catholic Church did not require marriages to be officiated by a priest until 1563, and the Anglican Church did not get around to making this requirement until 1753. This is possibly the reason why so many young couples no longer believe in a civil contract. They may argue that because of the high divorce rate, getting married only complicates things. 

Does this mean the Bible is not sufficient to give us answers and directives on how to achieve marital holy union? Certainly not. But like all doctrinal matters, we build our belief on the foundation of the rock of Jesus Christ. But Jesus Himself did not have a wife? Adversely, He encouraged his disciples to abandon household and domestic concerns to follow him (Matthew 19:29; Mark 10:28–30; Luke 9:57–62) Paul the other great writer of the NT, was also not married and discouraged followers of Jesus to restrict themselves from being burdened by marital life. (1 Cor 7:27)

Yes, this is true, but for good reason. Like all NT teaching everything works in opposites. Dying is gain. Want to lead, learn to serve—desire to have more, share and give more. In battle with someone, seek peace and love.

NT marriage union begins with each partner first devoting themselves completely, spirit soul and body to God. This is revolutionary in Biblical ancient cultural perceptions.

A SACRED COVENANT UNION

We tend to think of holiness as something that has to do with being good, staying in line, and doing the right things. But when we understand the principles of the covenant, we realize that “keeping all the rules” is an inadequate description of holiness.

Holiness is the essence a relationship of the highest honour and respect. 

Holiness is a covenant term which describes the complete, undefiled perfect harmonious union of marriage, as exemplified in the holy trinity – Godhead.

In Hebrew, the word traditionally used for marriage derives from the word for holiness.

Many Christians understand that holiness means being “set apart,” and they think about being set apart from sinful behaviors. But that is like saying that marriage is about giving up old romantic friendships. “No more girlfriends or boyfriends” is a starting point, but it is not the main point.

Holiness is being “set apart from” in order to be “set apart FOR.”

Holiness means cutting out what does not belong in a relationship so that we can be devoted to what does belong.

RING SYMBOLISM

The reason why wedding rings are placed on the fourth finger of your left hand comes from ancient times. The Romans believed that the vein on that finger was connected to the heart. That is how that vein was named, “vena amoris” meaning “vein of love.” The Romans would place a ring on both of the couple’s fourth left-hand finger as a representation of the newly married couple’s eternal love.

THE END GOAL – BOTH HUSBAND & WIFE MATURE IN CHRIST

The secret to holy sacred union in marriage lies in the spiritual maturity of both partners.

The apostolic mandate is to help believers to grow and reach maturity in Christ, “attaining to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:13), “presenting everyone mature in Christ” (Colossians 1:28), “going on to maturity” (Hebrews 6:1), “steadfastness that leads to perfection and completeness, lacking in nothing” (James 1:4), and continuously “growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18). Marriages often falter because one or both partners fail to continue their journey of maturing in Christ. It’s the aspects of our lives where we haven’t grown in Christ that can ultimately become sources of offense, hurt, and pain, ultimately leading to separation.

Biblical chrislike maturity looks different to what the World thinks.  

The NT teaches that we should become like children to enter the kingdom realm. Children are full of love, faith and imagination. They are fearless and brave, yet vulnerable and dependent. They forgive easily and keep no lifelong grudges. They live in the moment and are totally present. They have no self-consciousness and have no value for material things. Unfortunately, we lose these attributes as life happens to us. 

To reclaim these childlike godly qualities, we must nurture both the masculine and feminine aspects within ourselves. Men should strive to embody the fullness of Christ’s character: courage, leadership, honor, protection, rationality, logic, and generosity. Conversely, women can cultivate their feminine godly attributes: emotional depth, empathy, intuition, sensitivity, receptivity, nurturing, and compassion.

True maturity requires embracing both sets of male and female attributes. Men, for instance, reach maturity and growth when they can express vulnerability, display emotions openly, show empathy, and exhibit sensitivity.

The beauty and the mystery of the Godhead lie in the fact that we do not serve three separate gods. Instead, we worship a triune God—perfectly one yet comprising three distinct persons. This same unity is what we aspire to in marriage. When a man enters into a marital relationship, his wife often remains a mystery to him. It takes love, dedication, loyalty, and intentional focus to truly understand her.

In homosexual relationships, there is a notable absence of this mystery. In such unions, both partners are intimately familiar with their own bodies and desires. This can lead to a continual search for extreme sexual experiences that are never fully satisfying. It’s a reminder of God’s intentional design, creating us as male and female, each with unique needs that complement one another.

For men, there can be a tendency towards selfishness and egocentrism, believing they don’t need a woman beyond sexual pleasure. However, this mindset misses out on the profound soul and spirit union that comes from truly knowing and loving one another. To find deep satisfaction, we need each other.

The same principle applies to women. Some may pursue successful careers, which is admirable, but deep down, there’s a need for a man to care for her, allowing her to focus on another intrinsic need—bearing children. For humanity to continue, males must fertilize females. Males cannot give birth, and despite scientific advancements, this remains a biological truth.

However, the ultimate goal is not just fertilization, the mere exchange of sperm and egg cells. What truly satisfies the soul is leaving a legacy for children and their descendants. This requires a stable, loving, and exemplary union between a man and a woman.  A union that stands as a testament to the beauty of God’s design for marriage and family.

Whenever we tried to lower the standard of this sacred union, we entered massive social-development problems. Scientists, sociologists, psychologists, and clergy concur that most of our social problems and escalating crimes, drug abuse, gender-based violence, stress and anxiety issues can be traced back to a broken marriage and family.

The deepest human emotional pain is indeed being betrayed by your lifelong marital partner. Our biggest struggle in life is to keep the marriage bed undefiled, but moreover guarding our hearts against infidelity, offence, distraction, and frustration of unresolved issues!! Marriage and family is thus the first line of defence against evil and darkness.  

The strength of a nation lies in the houses of its people. —Abraham Lincoln

The Hebrew word for covenant is beriyth, which means “a solemn agreement with binding force.” Though its etymology is uncertain, ‘beriyth’ may come from a root word meaning “to cut.” The connotation is that of a cutting of the flesh causing blood to flow out; thus, the Hebrew expression speaks of “cutting covenant”. 

Time after time, the Scriptures describe marriage as a covenant. In Proverbs 2:16-17 we read, “[Wisdom] will save you also from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God.” These verses indicate that the wife, in marriage, enters into a sacred covenant with God and her husband. In Malachi 2:14 we read that the husband, in marriage, also enters into a covenant with God and his wife: “She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”

FIRST WEDDING:

And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.  (Ge 2:23–25).

Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mt 19:6).

The oneness of covenant is beautifully illustrated in an old wedding tradition called the “covenant of salt.” Diane Warner, author of The Complete Book of Wedding Vows, explains that when a husband and wife pour individual bags of salt into a single, third bag, they are symbolizing the total mesh-ing of their two lives into one, to the point that separation is virtually impossible:

Dennis Rainey a well known Christian family life speaker writes that “For the past two years I have had a growing concern that the Christian community has passively watched the “dumbing down” of the marriage covenant. Marriage has become little more than an upgraded social contract between two people—not a holy covenant between a man and a woman and their God for a lifetime. In the Old Testament days a covenant was solemn and binding. When two people entered into a covenant with one another, a goat or lamb would be slain and its carcass would be cut in half. With the two halves separated and lying on the ground, the two people who had formed the covenant would solemnize their promise by walking between the two halves (Ed note: see Covenant: A Walk into Death) saying, “May God do so to me [cut me in half] if I ever break this covenant with you and God!” You get the feeling that a covenant in those days had just a little more substance than today.” (from The Covenant of Marriage)

The security given to guarantee the fulfilment of a covenant was usually an oath. For men, it was an oath of such solemn character that it partook of the nature of I will or testament. The idea is that just as a testator cannot change his will when dead, so neither can a covenanter change his covenant. One way in which this was signified was by the slaying of an animal, dividing it into two parts, and then the passing of both parties between the halves (Gen 15:9).

“Divorce,” writes Jim Smoke in his book Growing Through Divorce, “is the death of a marriage and is usually surrounded by a cast of players that includes the husband and wife as combatants, the children as the mourners, and the lawyers as the funeral directors.”

During the past fifty years, we have trivialized divorce, claiming that it’s no big deal; privatized divorce, saying that it’s no one else’s business; and glorified divorce, promising freedom and happiness. Lies. All lies!

“Till death do us part” has been replaced by “as long as I’m happy.”

COVENANT vs IN A RELATIONSHIP

God instituted marriage since Adam and Eve, (Gen 2:24) “ Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”(Mat 19:4-5)

The marriage ceremony symbolizes covenant.  The giving of rings, an unbroken circle and symbol of eternity, the vows, pointing towards a lasting covenant made. 

In the Old Testament covenant procedure required blood: An animal was slaughtered to testify to the fact that we, after our death cannot change our will and testament. The emphasis is on: CANNOT! It is impossible to separate!

This oneness occurs and develops like a new tree planted; it grows and matures over time, becoming stronger and more evident. 

covenant with what I allow my eyes to see:

“I have made a covenant with my eyes; Why then should I look upon a young woman?” Job 31:1

keeps his oath

The psalmist says this about a good man: He “keeps his oath even when it hurts” (Psalm 15:4). Deut 23:23

covenant is a public confirmation:

2 Kings 23:2-3 King Josiah made a public covenant before all the people.

the covenant must cost you something:

2 Sam 24:24 “No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price; nor will I offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing.”

all human covenants are bilateral and conditional.

There are restrictions and obligations. 

sign of the covenant

Gen 17:10–11 Circumcision. Why put the sign in one’s most private part?

blessing & curses

promises of blessing when the covenant is kept, or warnings of punishment when the covenant is broken

witnesses.

The Hittite treaties called a long list of deities to witness the document. In the Sinai and other biblical covenants pagan gods were obviously excluded. Instead, memorial stones could be a witness (Ex 24:4; cf. Josh 24:27); heaven and earth were called upon as witnesses (Deut 30:19; 31:28; 32:1; cf. 4:26); the scroll of the law was deposited by the side of the ark to be a witness (Deut 31:26); and Moses’ song itself would remind the people of their covenant vows (Deut 31:30–32:47). In the covenant renewal service at the end of Joshua’s life the people themselves acted as the witnesses (Josh 24:22).

renewing our covenant:

revival occurred in Israel after Athaliah, the idolatrous Judean queen, was dethroned. We read in 2 Kings 11:17 that Jehoiada, the priest, “then made a covenant between the LORD and the king and people that they would be the LORD’S people.”

spiritual unity

“A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Covenant marriage, as divinely planned, is a binding together of three persons: a man, a woman, and Almighty God. As long as the couple stays in close contact with each other and with God, they have an unbreakable bond.

learning and modeling unconditional love

The LORD said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes” (Hosea 3:1). Isa 54:6-8; Ps 89:28-29; 33-34

Christ as the fulfillment of the covenant:

Col 2:13-14; Gal 3:14; Heb 7:22; 9:15

Spirit (Holiness) of Marriage :

Marriage: 1st Institution God made: Holy Institution God loves. God was a witness! “Judah has dealt treacherously, And an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem, For Judah has profaned The LORD’s holy institution which He loves: He has married the daughter of a foreign god.” Malachi 2:11 NKJ

And here’s a second offense: You fill the place of worship with your whining and sniveling because you don’t get what you want from GOD. Do you know why? Simple. Because GOD was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride, and now you’ve broken those vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife. GOD, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that’s what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you. Don’t cheat on your spouse.” Malachi 2:13-15 MSG

Marriage is thus a spiritual matter. Couples become one spiritually, when their hearts are perfectly pure towards another. This spiritual union, is most exemplified in ministry speaking, doing, loving, serving together! The one complete the other! The one fills up the other. This is a blessed thing to observe, a couple that works beautifully together in harmony, seamless flow, reciprocal respect, honour, and loyalty.

From this unity we move and have our being. Our children feel safe, loved and nourished when there is perfect unity in the marriage.

Note that one thus do not seek to be one, you rather preserve the unity that is already there. “with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Eph 4:2-3) One should always search and test your own heart. Question: “what have I allowed to enter into the sacred space of our union?” Offence, bitterness, resentment, criticism, jealousy, contempt, stone-walling, withdrawal, disloyalty, adultery, ego, narcissism, discontent, comparison, irritation, impatience, hardness of heart which are all signs of LOVELESSNESS!

The posture of your heart

Submit : Bowing :

“Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.” Ephesians 5:22-24 MSG

The posture of submission is bowing down in prayer)
‘Lord send me’ – Posture – Lord before you even ask, the answer is Yes!

He beautifies the humble with salvation. When we are most vulnerable, we are most beautiful, we are our true self.

It is a matter of accurate language and use of meaningful WORDS

The first place where all these sins originates, is out of our hearts, then our mouths.

“But if you bite and devour one another [in bickering and strife], watch out that you [along with your entire fellowship] are not consumed by one another.” (Gal 5:15 AMP)

“Lady Wisdom builds a lovely home; Sir Fool comes along and tears it down brick by brick. An honest life shows respect for GOD; a degenerate life is a slap in his face.” (Proverbs 14:1-2 MSG)

We can build with our words …

“Dear friend, listen well to my words; tune your ears to my voice. Keep my message in plain view at all times. Concentrate! Learn it by heart! Those who discover these words live, really live; body and soul, they’re bursting with health. Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.” (Proverbs 4:20-27 MSG)

Be angry [or stand in awe] and sin not; commune with your own hearts upon your beds and be silent (sorry for the things you say in your hearts). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! Psalms 4:4 | AMP

Silently formed them in your heart, spoke them in your heart. (Self talk)

And if you have not repented and asked forgiveness- not only for what you have said, but also for that which you have thought and kept for yourself, you will regret it. Because you have stored it, and out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks …

Don’t store bad and evil thoughts in your heart!

“Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest. Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. Find a good spouse, you find a good life— and even more: the favor of GOD! ”Proverbs 18:20-22 MSG

“The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, And a wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger.” Proverbs 25:11-12 MSG

We repeat what we don’t repair …
Sorry … I should not have said that …
Repentful … I see your pain, I’ve caused you tremendous hurt … Words wound the spouse – affects the unity.

“Older women similarly are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor addicted to much wine, teaching what is right and good, so that they may encourage the young women to tenderly love their husbands and their children, to be sensible, pure, makers of a home [where God is honored], good-natured, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” TITUS 2:3-5 AMP

“Don’t be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you’d have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.” James 3:1-5

Authority is released through your words!
You tone of voice is your music from the heart!

CONTRASTING ATTITUDES

A few years ago, an Alabama couple won a “Happy Marriage” contest with this description of their marriage:

We gave…when we wanted to receive.

We served…when we wanted to feast.

We shared…when we wanted to keep.

We listened…when we wanted to talk.

We submitted…when we wanted to reign.

We forgave…when we wanted to remember.

We stayed…when we wanted to leave.

COVENANT COMMITMENT

“Entreat me not to leave you,

Or to turn back from following after you;

For wherever you go, I will go;

And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;

Your people shall be my people,

And your God, my God.

¹⁷      Where you die, I will die,

And there will I be buried.

BOTH HUSBAND & WIFE MUST MATURE IN CHRIST

Both the role of the male and the female is important Lifting the unequal scale of womanhood:

The predominant role of women in Biblical times were that of household managers, as the family household was the key entity in providing for almost all the needs of its members. However, a number of women also performed significant leadership roles even at the ‘national’ level like Miriam (Ex 15:1-21), Deborah (Jdg 5) and Esther (Es 4:14, 16). Relying on the Hebrew term sopheret in Ezra 2:55 and Nehemiah 6:57, there were female scribes among the returnees from the Babylonian exile. There were also male and female singers (Ez 2:65; Neh 6:67). There is hence even in the OT already a hint towards a more equal inclusion of women, although in contrast to the prevailing culture and traditions of the time.

Jesus violated the contemporary norms by treating men and women equally. Jesus healed women as he healed men; he even allowed a woman who had haemorrhage, and was thus ceremonially unclean, to

touch his clothes (Mt 9:20-22). He protected a woman who was caught in adultery, and would have been stoned to death (Jn 8:3-11). It is important to note that Jesus continued to talk to her after the others had left, just as he conversed with the Samaritan woman when no one else was with them (Jn 4). Jesus related very closely with the family of Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus whom he later raised from death (Lk 10:38-42). A group of women accompanied him and his disciples on some of their travels and ministered to their needs (Lk 8:1-3). Jesus publicly endorsed and permitted Mary’s desire to be one of His disciples, “sitting at Jesus’ feet” a term used for disciples in apprenticeship of a Rabbi. “Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” (John 10:38-41)

After Jesus, women continued to play significant roles in church life. Paul preached to women who later became part of his ministry. At Philippi, Lydia and some other women were converted and her house became the home of the new church (Ac 16:13-15, 40). We also read the work of Priscilla and her husband Aquila (Ac 18:26), and the four daughters of Philip who were prophetesses (Ac 21:9). Some of Paul’s letters indicate that there were women who were his fellow workers in evangelism. In Romans 16:1-2, Paul mentions specifically ‘our sister Phoebe’, who is a deacon of the church at Cenchrea (Romans 16:1-2). In Romans 16:7, another woman, Junia, is listed with some apostles.

One should then from the heart and spirit of Christ interpret Paul’s restriction of women to participate freely in the church meeting. Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church. (1 Cor 14:34-35) I include the abstract of a thorough investigation of this text by Solomon Ademiluka.

The text is best understood from the perspective of the Greek term ekklesia. In its popular context,  it refers to the assembly of a Greek city-state in which women were not permitted to speak. In  similar Christian assemblies, they were permitted on the basis of the Christian brotherhood.  Apparently, in the Corinthian church, women were abusing this privilege by disrupting church services, which warranted Paul’s order. This being the case, the crucial issue is the disorderliness being caused by the women, and not their participation. Therefore, in this text it was not the intention of Paul to establish a doctrine disallowing woman from participating in church leadership.[2]

It is clear that the NT apostles defended, and inspired women to be true to their feminine nature, that makes them irresistible and strong not weak and contemptable. (1 Tim. 2:11; 1 Pet. 3:1) Why take all the trouble to enable women in secular public facing adversarial opposition, to then silence women publicly when together as a church? This does not make sense. Paul was merely advocating the mutual submission between husbands and wives, as clearly expressed in his sermon to married couples. submitting to one another in the fear of God. (Eph 5:21) The following request towards women, to submit was only to their own husbands. v22 balanced with the command to men to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and gave His own life.

Here is a balance, but also a harmony. Both male and female is instructed to actually give towards the other’s most intrinsic need. Women generally do not desire submission from their husbands, but rather affection and love. Men do not generally need their wives to love them, but submission towards their direction makes them feel strong and manly. Women generally feel safe, when husbands lead, are brave, noble and kingly, protective, and valiant! Husbands feel invincible, when they know their wives are their helpmate, supporting them, backing them, honouring them.

Particularly in the church, women’s biggest desire is for the men to lead spiritually, and be the ones who teach their wives in letter and example. The sad truth is, that currently in Christianity it is the woman who are leading not because this is their ambition, but because the men are absent.

There is also wisdom in the fact that men sometimes meet alone from time to time, and women meet alone without the men. Men tend to speak more openly about their fears and struggles in the absence of women. It takes true spiritual fathers though, to raise men to become a man of God.

BEWARE OF INBALANCE  

We currently live in a society where the feminine worldview triumphs—safety, food security, home security, safest vehicles, even technology that saves us. Stability and safety are natural pursuits of any civilization; that’s why we live longer, are healthier and more affluent. Yet, we still face destructive financial crises, corruption, costly natural disasters and deadly accidents from time to time. Looking closely at the behaviour that precedes these disasters, this convenience and safety put us to sleep and made us weaker and less alert! Safety also means that some people use this safety to assess more significant risks. [3] Boys, in particular, need risks, danger, and competition to develop into healthy manhood. [4] Adversely, Safety and Risk needs to be balanced. Risk with safety in mind, and be safe with risk in mind.

Church thus cannot only be seeker-sensitive. The seeker-sensitive approach is effective in drawing people to Christ but fails miserably at maturing people in Christ. Church invariably should be the safest place on Earth for people to thrive. The reality is people do not grow spiritually without difficulty, resistance, effort, persistence and suffering. Church is not for your entertainment; it exists so to train you for life. Learning the kingdom way of doing things and remain faithful to the cause of Christ will cost you your life.

Here are a few examples:

• Keep your stand while being persecuted.
• Accurately defend the faith, while being rejected.
• Keep your righteousness and peace, holiness and sanctification in the midst of evil, darkness and deceit.

In Dr Henry Cloud’s book, Changes that heal, as a leading Christian Phycologist pleads for a balance between the male – truth and women – love domains.[5] Both the narrowness, prescriptive, hard, restrictive attributes of TRUTH, and loving, gracious, kindness of LOVE is needed as a journey over time, will lead to maturity. Without strict rules, children become directionless, without love children becomes tired and resentful. Both the full godly divine masculine and feminine attributes builds and contributes equally towards healthy growth of maturity in Christ.

AN ECOSYSTEM OF ONENESS

By God’s grace the Holy Spirit has led us through the righteousness of Christ to reform our thinking on many aspects of church, worship, leadership, prayer, and discipleship. The first sacred union outside of the Godhead, is the marriage covenant. I once heard the sacrament of marriage compared to two trees planted next to another. The trees and later offsprings, creates a forest metaphor and vivid imagery that is visible all around us throughout our lives. Marriage is basically a sacred wow, to say to the person you love: “I will never leave you” no matter what! Whether sickness, poverty, pain, discomfort, lack or any known thing happen, I will never leave you! The journey of marriage is the testing of that promise! The planting, nourishment and cultivation of trees in a forest speaks to this promise: We’re planted together, I cannot ever leave you!

Close your eyes in order to visualise the moment that you and your spouse spoke your vows to one another before God, family and friends. With each word solemnly uttered, imagine two trees slowly growing more closely together, with the branches of both trees reaching out and becoming entangled with each other. Look below the surface of the ground— can you see the roots travelling throughout the soil, a complicated system going deeper and deeper into the earth? Two different root systems now so enmeshed with one another that they have become, without shadow of doubt, one tree.

This is the marriage covenant! The intention of God is not only the health and life of the two trees, but eventually the ecosystem and habitat that is formed over generations.

A tree is not a forest. On its own, a tree cannot establish a consistent local climate. It is at the mercy of wind and weather. But together, many trees create an ecosystem that moderates extremes of heat and cold, stores a great deal of water, and generates a great deal of humidity. It appears in forests that trees provide to their neighbours the necessary nutrients in times of need. Forests are super-organisms with interconnections much like ant colonies.

May this metaphor of covenant marriages helps us to become “Eden’s of God’s delight”. A place of safety, nourishment and protection for every family to flourish together with the church into the fullness of the image of Christ.

anything but death parts you and me.”

 (Ru 1:16–17).

HOW DEEPLY ARE WE CONNECTED IN MARRIAGE?

God instituted marriage since Adam and Eve, (Gen 2:24) for us to experience the union that exists in the Godhead. (Joh 17:21) The trinity is a mysterious union of oneness. We do not worship 3 Gods, He is one. (Deut 6:4) Yet they are distinctively different.  This unity of diversity is the end goal of the marriage relationship.

“ Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”(Mat 19:4-5)

The marriage ceremony symbolizes covenant.  The giving of rings, an unbroken circle and symbol of eternity, the vows, pointing towards a lasting covenant made. 

In the Old Testament covenant procedure required blood: An animal was slaughtered to testify to the fact that we, after our death cannot change our will and testament. The emphasis is on: CANNOT! It is impossible to separate!

We may not feel “one” most of the time, yet like two containers of diverse sand mixed together, it is impossible to completely separate the two substances again. This oneness occurs and develops like a new tree planted, it grows and matures over time, become stronger and more evident. 

You and your partner are more “one” than you may think. 

Let’s look at some research being done over the last two decades on synergy and harmony in a long-term relationship. 

ONENESS INSTITUTED WITH FIRST INTERCOURSE.

In Jewish culture, the marriage was consummated not with the solemn words of the preacher, but with the act of intercourse.  In Biblical times, a couple consummated their marriage in a room, called the chuppah. After their union they would come out and the bed linen presented for the evidence of blood.  This was to proof the chastity of the bride.  It is obvious that God intended the consummation of marriage to be a covenant making between two individuals.   The circuitry of the brain gets wired through first experiences: Should two individuals not wire together at the same time, writing a code of unity from the start? When we had sex with a number of people, our brain circuits becomes set in a certain way, it can be quite a challenge to find and bond with a partner with weird adapted circuitry. 

THE BONDING CHEMICALS RELEASE WITH FIRST INTERCOURSE

Jeremy Wiles explain the internal mechanism of our first sexual encounter well.

There’s a reason why breaking up from a sexual relationship is much more emotionally painful and much harder to forget than one that didn’t involve sex. There are several neurochemical processes that occur during sex, which are the “glue” to human bonding. Sex is a powerful brain stimulant. When someone is involved sexually, it makes him or her want to repeat that act. Their brain produces lots of dopamine—a powerful chemical, which is compared to heroin on the brain. Dopamine is your internal pleasure/reward system. When dopamine is involved, it changes how we remember. The other part is oxytocin, which is designed to mainly help us forget what is painful. Oxytocin is a hormone produced primarily in women’s bodies. When a woman has a child and she is breastfeeding, she produces lots of oxytocin, which bonds her to her child. For this reason, mothers will die for their child, because they’ve become emotionally bonded due to the oxytocin that is released when they’re skin-to-skin with their child. The same phenomenon occurs when a woman is intimate with a man. Oxytocin is released, and this makes her bond to him emotionally. Have you wondered sometimes why a woman will stay with a man who’s abusing her? We know now that it’s because she bonded to him emotionally because of the oxytocin released during sex. Men produce vasopressin, which is also referred to as the “monogamy hormone,” and it has the same effect as oxytocin has on a woman. It bonds a man to a woman. These “bonding” agents narrow our selection to one person. That is wonderful in a marriage relationship but really bad in a dating relationship because you lose your objectivity when you’re searching for your potential lifemate.[6]

All these chemicals working in the body have one obvious goal namely: oneness, bonding, intimate closeness and dependency on another.  It is also true that physical sex do not satisfy the deepest of desire in the human spirit, we need to connect and synchronize soul and spirit to experience sustainable bliss. 

LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER:

Elizabeth Bernstein writes in her blog “When It Never Gets Easier to Say Goodbye”:

Scientists believe the attachment system is an evolutionary process that humans developed to survive. Early hunter-gatherers learned to work together, and children perished without the care and protection of an adult.[7]

Over time we learn to develop an intricate pattern of working and operating together to deal with life over time. For example: One partner focuses on the finances, the other on child raising.  The one partner knows how to use technology, the other one are good with building social relationships.  We both add to the relationship based on our diverse personalities, values, skills and talents.  This is why it is so painful when we detach from each other, the person you have relied on is gone.   Once we move beyond the romantic phase, and the power struggle phase remaining committed we eventually begin to celebrate our differences. For it is our diversity that is really useful when it comes to teamwork.  Initially we try to change our partners to be like us, but eventually we begin to see that it is their unlike-us-ness that is most useful. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS A UNIQUE THUMBPRINT

John Gottman says that all relationships have patterns, sort of like a thumbprint. And, that by witnessing just a small portion of the relationship pattern, (the thumbprint, if you will) he can make a fairly accurate call on whether the relationship will survive. Gottman has screened thousands of couples over more than 30 years, getting scientific proof on what make some relationships last and others fail.  He has discovered that couples who argue more, is not necessary in more danger than seeming peaceful couples, the bottom line is the 5:1 ratio, 5 Times more positive experiences than negative ones. Each couple develops unique internal dynamics of problem solving, negotiating daily challenges. [8]

YOU SHARE A BRAIN

Celia Harris and colleagues at Macquarie University recently reviewed their previously published and new research on social remembering by long-term intimate couples. “Remembering together – How long-term couples develop interconnected memory systems”

Together, couples were able to put together “richer, more vivid descriptions” of moments they’d shared, and, at times, the way one partner remembered something helped the other person see an old memory in a new light. Though, of course, we also know that human memory is incredibly faulty, and that a story can change from one telling to another. So it’s less that couples help each other remember an objectively accurate account of what happened and more like they help each other put the event in its proper emotional context. The memory-enhancing effect was most pronounced in older couples, and it worked better for partners who were kinder to each other and who reported having more intimate relationships, Fradera notes. Be nice to your partner; he or she may be the keeper of many of your memories. [9]

WE CREATE OUR OWN UNIQUE VOCABULARY.

Erin Brodwin writes the following in her blog about: “Science says these 5 things happen to couples that’s been together over a long time” I include her following points.

Ever get a text from your significant other that means absolutely nothing on its own but carries a certain significance that you can’t quite explain? This “insider” language is one of the first signs that the two of you are operating in sync, writes Shenk. According to a study from University of Texas professor of communication Robert Hopper, secret communication accomplishes two things: First, it helps deepen your bond — romantic or platonic. Second, it establishes a unique, shared identity. Private language can include everything from inside jokes to nicknames, writes Ohio State University psychologist Carol Bruess in a study of romantic couples. Bruess’ research suggests a link between how often partners use these private words and how satisfied they are with their relationship. Bruess found that the more often couples used secret words and phrases, the happier they tended to say they were. [10]

YOU START TO SOUND ALIKE

In addition to having their own private vocabulary, long term couples eventually “start to match each other in the basic rhythms and syntactical structures of their speech,” writes Shenk. Part of that is a result of a phenomenon that psychologists call “emotional contagion.” Basically, when two people spend enough time together, they begin to match each other’s speech patterns. We mimic everything from the other person’s accent to the amount and length of pauses he or she puts between words and sentences. There’s some evidence to suggest that these changing speech patterns can even serve as one indicator of how long a couple might stay together. Part of a 2010 study of language use among couples that looked at couples’ text messages, for example, found that when two people “sounded” more alike (in terms of the words and language structure they used in their messages) they were also more likely to still be dating three months later.

YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF INSIDE JOKES THAT NO ONE ELSE THINKS ARE FUNNY.

Research suggests that couples are more likely to mirror each other’s body language — which in turn makes them look alike — because they’re drawing from a wealth of knowledge that only they share. This “insider info” — all of your shared experiences and memories — informs your gestures, posture, and the words and phrases you use with each other.  A 2007 study, for example, found that people were more likely to copy each other’s eye gaze when they’d both heard the same background information before their conversation. 

YOU START TO LOOK ALIKE.

University of Michigan psychologist Robert Zajonc conducted an experiment to test this phenomenon. He analyzed photographs of couples taken when they were newlyweds and photographs of the same couples taken 25 years later. The results showed that the couples had grown to look more like each other over time. And, the happier that the couple said they were, the more likely they were to have increased in their physical similarity. http://www.livescience.com/8384-couples-start.html In his influential 1987 study, psychologist Robert Zajonc found that there’s a very obvious reason that married couples start to look alike: They use the same muscles so often that, over time, they start to mirror each other. This coordination of movement isn’t accidental, says Shenk. Instead, it “reflects what psychologists call a ‘shared coordinative structure’ which includes how we harmonize our gaze, body sway, and the little mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of how we speak.

YOU STOP SELF-CENSORING

The way most of us speak with strangers, acquaintances and even close friends is markedly different from how we talk when we’re alone with our partner.

When we’re with others, most of us “self-monitor.” That is, we try to please the people around us by adapting our behavior to suit theirs. But when we’re with an intimate partner, we let go of this pattern of behavior and instead “talk fluidly and naturally,” Shenk writes. In other words, we stop having to constantly check ourselves before we speak. We’re more candid and more open.  Many of the pairs Shenk talks to in his book have such a relationship. University of California Berkeley psychologist Daniel Kahneman, for example, tells Shenk: “Like most people, I am somewhat cautious about exposing tentative thoughts to others.” But after he’d spent a few years working with his research partner, cognitive psychologist Amos Tverksy, “this caution was completely absent.”

You have unconsciously selected the best DNA for a healthy offspring:

Sheril Kirshenbaum writes a brief for CNN, on the science of kissing. The lips are the most exposed erogenous zone, and a good kiss can lead us to unconsciously coming back for more.  These experiences lies deep in our unconscious mind and memory, because of the involvement of all our five senses, leading to attachment and bonding.

Beyond obvious mood spoilers such as poor hygiene and bad breath, we each have a distinct natural scent that appears to guide us toward choosing a partner with compatible DNA. Scientists have found that women prefer the scents of men with a complementary set of genes that code for the immune system. The benefit may be that if children come along down the line, they would be well-equipped to ward off disease. [11]

I hope I have made my point! We are more “one” than we think or feel.  These attachments are mostly on an unconscious level, but we need to consciously agree and live a covenant lifestyle towards each other too. 

• Understand the eternal value and quality of the covenant relationship. What a big difference will it make when we realize the problem is not your partner. The two of you are not that much different, you mostly want the same things. This is my experience with counseling couples over the years that both partners crave and desire the same things. The wife may complain that she does not feel loved and appreciated any more because the husbands is away a lot for business, the husband would complain that he does not feel connected with his wife, because she spends too much time with their children and her girlfriends.

The Godhead exists because unity is always first on the agenda. They always begin from this premise.  You will handle a disagreement differently, when you start from the point of what the two of you agree on.  There is no escape, no separation, no hiding, no detachment – no divorce! We have to work it out. Divorce is simply never an option. We keep on engaging, trying, working it out, have love find a way, we keep on growing, becoming better.  Do not take offence, and guard your hearts!

• Covenant language. Many couples talk themselves out of marriage, because they have already separated in their hearts. Point 1 deal with the heart; point 2 deals with our words. We should never use the word divorce. We check our tone of voice. Our tone should always be respectful, mixed with honor. We speak life not death. Beware of complaining, murmuring and negative talk.  Also be aware of criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensive talk – John Gottman’s four horses of the apocalypse announcing the end and ruin of the relationship.  Song of Solomon is a beautiful expression of the language of covenant partners in love!  May we never stop to speak love poetry.
• Covenant actions. Actions speak louder than words. What does our actions testify off? The proof is in the doing. Doing the small things, being kind, and mindful. Covenant decisions and loyalty. Is it loyal to your partner to share deep heart issues with anyone, but your partner? Quality time! Keeping one another informed. Do not take any decisions unless you are in agreement. This is the primary way to honor and respect each other.  Gottman’s 5:1 ratio is all about positive bidding. The couples that continue to remain happy in the relationship are the ones that gets a 70 % positive result.  This entails both parties denying of self. Dying to self and putting your partners needs first, is a powerful covenant action!

When our dog gets sick, we do not kill them, nor leave them to recover by themselves. We take them to a veterinarian. The same with our cars, when they break, we do not abandon them, and solemnly swear to never drive them again, rather we take them to a mechanic. Why do we give up on our marriages so easily? We are so reluctant to go for help, or go for counseling. We can read a book, or go to a marriage retreat.  We can go to our pastor and get help.  Marriage is holy, and worth fighting for!

[1] https://www.bible.ca/marriage/ancient-jewish-three-stage-weddings-and-marriage-customs-ceremony-in-the-bible.htm

[2] Ademiluka, Solomon O.. (2017). 1 Corinthians 14:33b-36 in light of women and church leadership in Nigeria. Verbum et Ecclesia, 38(1), 1-8. https://dx.doi.org/10.4102/ve.v38i1.1672

[3] Ip, G., 2015. 1st ed. Copyright © 2015 by Greg Ip. Reprinted with permission of Little, Brown and Company.

[4] Peterson, J., 2018. 12 Rules for Life. 1st ed. Random House Canada, Rule 11: Do not bother Children wen they are  skateboarding pg 283-232.

[5] Cloud, H. and Cloud, H., 2009. Changes that heal. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan.

[6] http://www.charismanews.com/opinion/39405-science-proves-premarital-sex-rewires-the-brain

[7] http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10000872396390443995604578002352537833908

[8] Why Marriages succeed or fail. John Gottman

[9] Harris, C., Barnier, A., Sutton, J., & Keil, P. (2014). Couples as socially distributed cognitive systems: Remembering in everyday social and material contexts Memory Studies, 7(3), 285-297 http://digest.bps.org.uk/2014/07/remembering-together-how-long-term.html

[10] http://www.businessinsider.com/couples-have-a-shared-mind-2015-5

[11] http://edition.cnn.com/2012/02/14/opinion/kirshenbaum-science-kissing/

Week #2: Repentance, Breaking the cycles of transgression

Breaking the cycles of transgressions in your life.

GETTING RID OF TRANSGRESSIONAL SIN

Matthew 18 Jesus tells the story of a man who owed a certain ruler a significant amount of money. He begged for mercy, and the ruler did exempt him from the debt. But when the freed prisoner saw his friend who owed him but a small amount, he threw his friend in prison until he would pay his debt. The chapter ends when the ruler hears what the man has done. Matthew 18:34-35 “And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him  “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

Many people live in constant torture as the result of them not forgiving their trespassers or offenders. We are all sinners before God, and there is no one that is without sin. (Romans 3:23) We all need forgiveness and mercy. Through Jesus Christ God forgives us our trespassers, but it is therefore necessary that we forgive those who trespassed against us too.

Many people say to me that they have forgiven so and so, but somehow, they can simply not forget. When we choose not to forgive, and consequently harbour anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred, revenge, these very thoughts becomes our tormentors.

My wife and I are very happily married, but since the beginning of our marriage she complained that she felt that I did not protect her enough in public. It seemed to her that the church, ministry, and other people were more important than she was. According to her, when amongst a large group of people, I tend to forget all about her. Although these were legitimate issues, no matter how hard I tried, she always felt the same way. One day we heard a sermon on this very subject and on how this lady was going through all kinds of torment, as the result of her not forgiving her parents.

My wife was raised in a loving secure home, with wonderful parents, but because her sister was ill since birth, she got more attention than my wife did. This made my wife feel rejected and left out. Now, since we were married, the same thing happened to her in our relationship, she believed that she had to compete with the ministry. When she forgave her parents, and released them of what they have done unconsciously, and repented of the feelings of rejection our problem was over. The dark filter of offence through which she was looking at her experiences was removed.

Have you ever considered why someone being sexually abused as a child ends up abusing others later in their life? Someone who lost a lot of money as the result of a scheming partner will in all probability end up in the same thing later again. One battered wife escapes the one marriage to enter the next abusive relationship.

Fear is not of God, and puts you in an emotional prison, the same with resentment and bitterness. These are all lies that we believe, for instance, “I’m not good enough” or “No one loves me”, “I could never again”. These are real emotions but not the tangible verifyable truth.

Seeing is believing. That what you see to work, you will believe. We develop wrong belief systems through our experiences in life. Every time something good or bad happens, we set up a belief system based on our experience of what have happened. The problem is that most of these experiences is subjective and does not reveal the whole truth. The truth can only be discovered once all the facts are disclosed. When something bad happens, we do not necessary have all the facts. Nevertheless, we believe our conclusions as the only authority.

A young child is included in the cast as the fairy in the school play, two weeks later she is asked rather to be a tortoise. She cries and experience major rejection as the result, after this experience she generate a belief. “I’m not beautiful enough, to be a fairy” This belief might stay with her throughout her life, and she will see everything, her later marriage, in the light of this wrong belief unless properly guided by her parents or teacher.

Feelings of inferiority, rejection, fear, condemnation, shame, bitterness is based on an inner believe system of some kind. We believe in it because… And hence, we walk around in our own homemade prison cells, blaming the world for our continuous misfortune.

In the following exercises you will discover what these transgressional sins are, and how to eliminate them. Let us put an end to the cycles of misfortune in our lives, by breaking the attachments we gather from childhood. You may have the right to feel the way you do because of what was done against you. The offender does not feel what you feel; instead, they go on as if nothing happened. You’re the one who is miserable, unlovable, hard, and heavy burdened. Get rid of these negative burdens, put some ice on the wound, and stop the hurt to spread any further. Stop it in its tracks.

Many people allow themselves to be overcome by circumstances because they get an illogical comfort out of being hurt. Where do you think the expression “under the circumstances” come from. It is time to stop playing the victim and at the very least attempt to lead a victorious life. The feelings you have allowed are just as sinful and destructive than the atrocities we’ve read about in the news. They just kill you much slower!

To forgive and forget, you must not only forgive, but also repent of the tormentors you’ve allowed in your life. That is why it is so important to forgive quickly.

I have seen many people coming into the counselling room oppressed, depressed and miserable, walking out free and delivered from their oppressors. All these emotions mentioned are not only our feelings, but can become tormenting spirits, and they have the legal right to be there, because we choose not to walk the road of forgiveness.

An elderly man came to a counsellor once, because of a bitter ordeal that has happened 30 years earlier. The man had a partner whom, without notice disappeared and left him with all the debt. “Could you forgive him now?” the Counsellor asked. “Never” The man replied. “I will never be able to forgive him, it took me 20 years to pay off all the debt.” “Well, you should still forgive him.” The Counsellor insisted. The man paused, as if thinking about the matter deeply. “Even if I forgive him, I will not be able to forget” The old, wrinkled-faced old man, replied. “Not a day goes by, that I do not ponder on just how much I hate, that despicable old slime-ball! I hate him! Do you understand? I hate him!!!” It is not forgiveness only that is going to liberate this man of his prison. He must repent of the hatred. Although hatred is justified, it kept this old man in an emotional dungeon of bitterness, anger, and rage for 30 years.

This transgressional sin that we allow, because we think we have the right to feel that way, keeps us in bondage. To be free, we must repent.

Bitterness, hatred, and resentment are internal weapons we use against our offenders that destroy us and not our offenders. It changes our attitudes, our behaviour, so that those who do love us, do not want to be with us any longer. It hardens our face, and we think thoughts of destruction on our offenders, yet they never hear, nor see our thoughts. By allowing these thoughts we give the offenders the power to change us, pervert us into something that we’re not. Through forgiveness and repentance, we can take back that power.

Having a court case in your head means nothing; it is what you do that matters. Taking action to help the offender or give them over to the proper authorities is more helpful than just hoarding all these negative thoughts within. Forgiveness helps you to free yourself of the internal wounding of the transgression, so that you can fight back. Once you’ve allowed anger, hatred, bitterness, and resentment, to corrupt your soul, you will find it very difficult to forgive and ultimately forget.

Free yourself today, and choose to unconditionally forgive, and release the negative emotions of transgressional sin that has corrupted your heart. Repent of these negative thoughts and allow the Holy Spirit to cleanse you and give you a new heart!

WHOSE RIGHT IS RIGHT?

In the light of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard defamation trail, my thoughts turn to the question, who is right? The jury will eventually decide who they believe was right, but after the outcome, some will certainly still disagree.  

In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes. (Judges 21:25) Whose right wins for all, not just the one? Whose right decisions bear sustainable good fruit? This statement describes a culture where everyone does what is right in his or her own eyes and no one any longer regards moral absolutes. 

Entitlement as a cover-up for sin

The battle of whose right is truly right ensued since the beginning of time. Cain believed he had a right to murder his brother because his offering was accepted, instead of his own. He should have approached God, asking: “Why was my sacrifice rejected?” so, he can grow and improve, instead he took offence and murdered an innocent. He never repented, and when punished was only thinking of himself. “And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.” (Gen 4:13)  My father in law used to say: “Two wrongs do not make a right” This is a proverb used to rebuke or renounce wrongful conduct as a response to another’s transgression.

Nonetheless, this is a common tendency: A husband loses his temper because the way his wives speak to him. He angrily justifies his outrage, breaking furniture, hitting holes in the door, and smashing a cell phone: “You made me do this!!!” “Look what you’ve make me do!”

A perceived loyal husband by his friends and family commits adultery and is unfaithful to his wife. His secret justification? He works hard, is mostly the least, feels trapped in an unfair situation in which he can do nothing, feels he is not valued, and feels used. He does not deal with his unhappiness in a healthy way and eventually cannot resist the temptation to feed his flesh.  

Someone who has been set free from drug addiction suddenly experiences tremendous temptation to use again. His secret justification? He believes he works hard, has made huge sacrifices, poured himself out, always remains the least, and keeps quiet in an argument. Instead of nourishing the flesh in a healthy way through exercise and doing something meaningful he wastes time with superficial relaxation like binge TV series viewing. His flesh remains unfulfilled and hungry and begins to become a monster out of control. 

Freedom of choice

One can justify anything if you have to, but not all is profitable. All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being. (1 Cor 10:23-24)

All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. (1 Cor 6:12)

I remember watching a documentary of Moses Sithole and how he justified every murder, and his eyes did nothing wrong. By the time Sithole’s trial began on October 21, 1996, mounting evidence saw the total charges against him increase to 38 counts of murder, 40 counts of rape and six counts of robbery. He pleaded not guilty to all charges. [1]

Most people know that the violent Capone was taken down by that least likely of weapons—a group of accountants focused on his tax returns. [2] He also never accepted any blame for what he has done. 

The greatest of problems with humanity is our smoke-screen of self-righteousness! We hide our sins. We cheat and lie! We are afraid of punishment and cover our nakedness with fig leaves!

Not all rights are good for everyone in the long term

Years ago, Mrs Judy Mouton former mayor of Cederberg Municipality brought a speech in our church, about being a Christian Political Leader. Her quest was about, whose right in a diverse community of needs and wants, is a priority? How does God view these needs? Whose right does He attend to first? In the light of white people mostly complaining about the potholes and high taxes, the brown people about the shortage of houses, 600 hundred black people families were residing on a hill with only two toilets and one tap. Whose right deserves God’s and our attention? She opted to relieve the plight of the black people, but lost the forth-coming election. Sometimes doing what is right is going to cost you!

Think of the many fights between brothers and sisters about who is right? Whose right? Fairness happens at first when all sides of the story have been heard. One always wants to tell the news about what the other has done wrong. 

Political movements begin, because of some perceived injustice, and begins to draw activists who would fight for the cause of a particular disenfranchised group. Currently, an unknown community group of activists and protestors burn houses and farms in protest for higher wages. [3] What is the sustainable good of this uprising, and how is it improving relationships? How is it really improving lives in the long term?

The judiciary exists because people cannot decide their own right action, so there must be an independent impartial fair system that delivers a righteous judgment. 

Without a biblical criterion, each defends his own right and comes nowhere. One must have a constitution that defends both rich and poor’s rights and then look at each case’s merits and background on what is right or wrong. The Bible consistently gives a balanced judgment.

The role of upbringing

We read of two narratives in the Bible where upbringing played a huge role in the rightness of the children. Why was Abraham chosen to be the father of a new nation, at the time childness, and a heathen from the Chaldeans? What did God see in Him, to have chosen Him?

since Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the LORD, to do righteousness and justice, that the LORD may bring to Abraham what He has spoken to him. Gen 18:18-19

He was chosen because: I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the LORD, to do righteousness and justice. 

Contrastingly, we read of another spiritual giant who failed to teach his children rightness!

Now it came to pass when Samuel was old that he made his sons judges over Israel. The name of his firstborn was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. But his sons did not walk in his ways; they turned aside after dishonest gain, took bribes, and perverted justice. Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah, and said to him, “Look, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.” 1 Sam 8:1-4

H6666. צְדָקָה ṣeḏāqāh: A feminine noun meaning righteousness, blameless conduct, and integrity. The noun describes justice, right actions, and right attitudes, as expected from both God and people when they judge. God came speaking justice and righteousness as the divine Judge (Isa. 63:1; Jer. 9:24[23]; Mic. 7:9); the Lord’s holiness was made known by His righteousness in judgments (Isa. 5:16; 10:22). Human judges were to imitate the divine Judge in righteousness and justice (Gen. 18:19; 2 Sam. 8:15; Ps. 72:3; Isa. 56:1).

The word describes the attitude and actions God had and expected His people to maintain. He is unequivocally righteous; righteousness is entirely His prerogative. His people are to sow righteousness, and they will receive the same in return (Hos. 10:12). He dealt with His people according to their righteousness and blamelessness (2 Sam. 22:21; Ezek. 3:20). Faith in God was counted as righteousness to Abraham (Gen. 15:6); and obedience to the Lord’s Law was further evidence of faith that God considered as righteousness (Deut. 6:25). Returning a poor man’s cloak was an act of obedience that was considered righteous and just before the Lord (Deut. 24:13). Jacob declared that his integrity (honesty, righteousness) would speak for him in the future to Laban (Gen. 30:33). The lives of people are to reflect righteousness and integrity (Prov. 8:20; 15:9); even old age may be attained by living a life of righteousness (Prov. 16:31).

The noun describes the justice of God or His will: persons are to act according to God’s righteousness toward other persons (Deut. 33:21; Isa. 48:1). The word is also synonymous with truth or integrity. God declares His words are based on His own truthfulness (Isa. 45:23). The word depicts God’s salvation or deliverance, such as when Isaiah spoke of the Lord bringing near His righteousness as equal to bringing near His salvation (Isa. 46:13; 51:6; 56:1).

The word may indicate a just claim before the king (2 Sam. 19:28[29]); or the righteous claim for vindication God gives to His people (Neh. 2:20; Isa. 54:17). A person who was denied justice but was righteous was, in fact, innocent (Isa. 5:23). In the plural, the word referred to the righteous acts that God performed for His people (1 Sam. 12:7); or, in the plural used in an abstract sense, it depicted people living righteously (Isa. 33:15). The word was used to mean legitimate and blameless, referring to the Lord’s righteous Branch (Jer. 23:5; 33:15) who will act justly and righteously in the restored land.

H4941. מִשְׁפָּט mišpāṭ: A masculine noun meaning a judgment, a legal decision, a legal case, a claim, proper, rectitude. The word connotes several variations in meanings depending on the context. It is used to describe a legal decision or judgment rendered: it describes a legal decision given by God to be followed by the people (Isa. 58:2; Zeph. 2:3; Mal. 2:17). These decisions could come through the use of the Urim and Thummim (Num. 27:21). The high priest wore a pouch called the breastpiece of justice, containing the Urim and Thummim by which decisions were obtained from the Lord (Ex. 28:30). Doing what was right and just in the Lord’s eyes was far more important than presenting sacrifices to Him (Gen. 18:19; Prov. 21:3, 15). God was declared to be the Judge of the whole earth who rendered justice faithfully (Gen. 18:25; Isa. 30:18). In the plural form, the word describes legal judgments, cases, examples, laws, and specifications.

The word describes the legal case or cause presented by someone. The Servant spoken of by Isaiah asked who brought his case of justice against him (Isa. 50:8); Job brought his case to vindicate himself (Job 13:18; 23:4). The legal claim or control in a situation is also described by the word. Samuel warned the people of the civil and legal demands a king would place on them (1 Sam. 8:9); Moses gave legislation to protect the rightful claim of daughters (Ex. 21:9). The Hebrew word also described the legal right to property (Jer. 32:8). Not surprisingly, the place where judgments were rendered was also described by this word; disputes were to be taken to the place of judgment (Deut. 25:1). Solomon built a hall of justice where he served as judge (1 Kgs. 7:7).

The word also describes plans or instructions: it describes the building plans for the Tabernacle (Ex. 35); and the specifications for the Temple (1 Kgs. 6:38); the instructions the angelic messenger gave to Samson’s parents about how he was to be brought up (Judg. 13:12). In a more abstract sense, it depicts the manner of life a people followed, such as the Sidonians (Judg. 18:7; 1 Sam. 2:13).

The word means simple justice in some contexts, often in parallel with synonymous words, such as ḥōq (H2706) or ṣeḏeq (H6664), meaning ordinance or righteousness. It describes justice as one thing Jerusalem was to be filled with along with righteousness (Isa. 1:21). Justice and righteousness characterize the Lord’s throne (Ps. 89:14[15]); and these were coupled with love and faithfulness (cf. Ps. 101:1; 111:7). Executing or doing justice was the central goal that Yahweh had for His people (Jer. 7:5; Ezek. 18:8), for that equalled righteousness (Ezek. 18:9).[4]

A biblical standard of values to sustain life

The Bible has tested moral absolutes as summaries in the 10 Commandments that serves as a protection for man and his family. 

Care/harm,

Liberty/oppression

Fairness/cheating

Loyalty/betrayal,

Authority/subversion,

Sanctity/degradation[5]

When these moral absolutes are adhered and respected in the fear of the Lord, who sees and knows everything, it brings joy to the people. Whereas the pleasure of sin is short-lived bringing eventual painful and destructive consequences.

Whoever says to the wicked, “You are in the right,” will be cursed by peoples, abhorred by nations, but those who rebuke the wicked will have delight, and a good blessing will come upon them. Proverbs 24:24-25

No one likes and enjoys the restrictions and boundaries of the law, but when the tables are turned and we become the victims of crime, we value the importance of the law. 

AGREEMENT ON THESE VALUES IS AN ABSOLUTE VITAL PART OF BUILDING THE RIGHT FOUNDATION FOR A COVENANT RELATIONSHIP.

It is our core disagreement on these values that leads to most unhappiness in the relationship!

HOW TO REPENT WITHOUT FURTHER CAUSING OFFENCE

Most of us are ignorant of how we hurt another.  Before anyone can repent a wrong has to correctly be articulated and understood by the offending party.  Which is much more difficult than it seems! Most offended people remain silent!! This is a topic for a whole other course: HOW TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF!

But let’s get the basic right at least for now.

Your partner is ignorant!

When we feel hurt, frustrated, not loved, unhappy about something your partner has done, realize that they are ignorant and mostly not in any way cognisant of any wrong.  Your partner’s brain is wired in a different way, they are paying attention to something else, biologically our rhythms and body clocks are distinctive, our personalities and ways of dealing with life is different!  Bottom line!! They are ignorant of your unhappiness!! Until they see it in your face, attitude and then must try to figure out the problem! Most importantly acknowledge that you have no idea what they are thinking!! Do not presume you know anything! Read Malcolm Gladwell’s book, talking to strangers.[6]

Learn to draw within the lines!!!

Remember those colouring books we use to have when we were kids? When we feel emotional and passionate about something we tend to draw over the lines using only one colour; using words like “always and never”. Accurate speech is an artform that takes time to develop, but is the only way to express a hurt in a way that the other person gain empathy and understanding that leads to true repentance. 

The Best Way to Confront (Simon Sinek) 

We must practice all three steps in random order: 

1. Say exactly how they made you feel.
2. Share the specific action that made you feel that way.
3. Explain the impact of their actions. 

e.g.: “When you walked out of the room, it made me feel completely humiliated and I fear that if you will perhaps make me feel like that again I will struggle to trust you again.” [7]

Here is another recent example from friends: Love, I know you love me, and that you care for me, but when you forgot to fix the doorhandle yesterday, after acknowledging that you will do it, your maybe justifiable forgetfulness regrettably made me feel unloved and not valued at that moment.  

Here are more examples to express your momentary feeling at the moment of experiencing a trespass.  I felt excluded; I felt powerless; I felt unheard; I felt scolded; I felt judged; I felt blamed; I felt disrespected; I felt a lack of affection; I felt uncared for; I felt lonely; I felt ignored; I felt like I couldn’t be honest; I felt like the bad guy.

I felt forgotten; I felt unsafe; I felt unloved; I felt like that was unfair; I felt frustrated.

I felt disconnected; I felt trapped; I felt a lack of passion; I felt like I couldn’t speak up; I felt manipulated; I felt controlled. [8]

Non-Violent Communication in the Language of Life 

1. The concrete actions we are observingthat are affecting our well-being 
2. How we feelin relation to what we are observing 
3. The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings 
4. The concrete actions we requestin order to enrich our lives[9]

Tips For Communication Conflict (Arthur Gillis)  

1. Hear me
2. Even if you disagree with me don’t make me wrong
3. Acknowledge greatness
4. Remember my loving intention
5. Tell me the truth with compassion

Ok, now you know you have hurt your partner, how do you fix it?

Recognition – You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. (Ps 51:6).

Remorse – you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing (2 Cor 7:9).

Restitution – Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.” (Luke 19:8).

Remodel – if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new (2 Cor 5:17).

Repent – Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16).

Self-Defense Techniques That Defy Repentance

• Suspicion, being investigative… believing the worst
• Losing your sense of humor
• Taking it personally
• Causing your pulse to go up
• Suddenly not understanding anything; “IQ-lost”
• Wanting to be right at any cost
• Wanting to have the last word
• Raising the voice
• Getting very talkative to show you’re right
• Explaining endlessly/educating/preaching
• Playing the victim
• Getting rigid and inflexible
• Denial
• Withdrawing/backing-off
• Making inappropriate jokes
• Thinking “I’m special/unique”
• “This is the way I am – I can’t change”
• Blaming other people
• Getting tired or sleepy
• Intellectualizing
• Getting very kind and likeable
• Not listening or hearing only what you want to hear.
• Attacking – being seen as the best defense
• Getting resentful; sticking to your opinion for a long time
• Getting distracted, e.g. doing chores – a means of passive resistance
• Starting a new subject of offence
• Emotional manipulation – trying to get pity.

[1] https://www.biography.com/crime-figure/moses-sithole

[2] https://www.themarshallproject.org/2018/05/28/defending-al-capone

[3] https://www.farmersweekly.co.za/agri-news/south-africa/talks-between-sundays-river-valley-workers-and-farmers-deadlocked/

[4] https://lisafeldmanbarrett.com/books/how-emotions-are-made/

[5] Jonathan Haidt.  The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, 2013. 

[6] Malcolm Gladwell. Talking to Strangers, What We Should Know about the People We Don’t Know https://www.gladwellbooks.com/titles/malcolm-gladwell/talking-to-strangers/9780316478526/

[7] https://youtu.be/dCkxgICCVWU Simon Sinek – The best way to confront someone  

[8] https://www.gottman.com (The Gottman Institute)

[9] Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Nonviolent COMMUNICATION A Language of Life https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/nvc/

Week #3 Communication begins in the heart

Vir ‘n volledige kursus in Konflik Hantering voltooi gerus die Aanlyn Kursus beskikbaar.  

All communication is determined in the heart.  Why can we communicate with foreign nationals visiting their country as tourists, but we cannot connect as a couple? It was deep, meaningful non-moralising conversations that brought us together as a couple in the first place! 

The reality is that we hurt one another more in a close relationship, where our defence mechanism and public pretences are removed.  For example, you can usually handle criticism from unknown people better, than that from your partner.  

The basic rule of communication is, without EMPATHY, your message is not received and understood.  We lose our empathy for another when we feel hurt, mistreated, unloved, rejected, or excluded.  

Hence, before we discuss the technical best practices of healthy communication, we need to deal with the origin where words are formed! 

THE HEART! 

So above all, guard the affections of your heart,
for they affect all that you are.
Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being,
for from there flows the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23) 

The ONLY way to keep your heart pure, is to keep it free from offence! 

How to deal with offence. 

In the same way, an octopus hides (through clever camouflage) you will never know it is there, offense takes root in our hearts, capturing us to do the will of satan (2 Tim 2:26). When you try to remove an octopus, it defuses a dark cloud of ink, to even more obscure your view. It is not easy to see and recognize offences in one’s heart.  Not even reading these notes will reveal it. Trying to disengage one tentacle, 7 others grasp on, trying to improve the octopus’s grip. The octopus is highly territorial and will defend its position. You need to ask the Holy Spirit to expose the root and stone of offence in your heart. You will also need to study the characteristics and symptoms to help you discover their position in your consciousness and attitude. But knowing it is there and seeing the signs still does not bring freedom, you uproot the source of offence. You have to act according to the way of Christ, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you out of the trap of satan.

Offended people produce satanic evil fruit, such as hurt, anger, outrage, jealousy, resentment, strife, bitterness, hatred, and envy. Some of the consequences of taking offence are insults, attacks, wounding, division, separation, broken relationships, betrayal, and backsliding.

Offence: “Skandalon” – laying a trap in someone’s way. The Greek word has the meaning of the little stick, used to catch birds. When people hurt us, it is a test, a potential trap. We should become wise and alert to see through the plans of the enemy, and not allow ourselves to be captured.

The ink/smoke screen the enemy uses to disguise is pride. Pride keeps us from dealing with the truth. It distorts our vision. We can never change when we think everything is fine. Pride hardens our hearts and dims the eyes of our understanding. It keeps us from the transformation of the heart—repentance—that will set us free.

No matter what the scenario is, we can divide all offended people into two major categories: (1) those who have been treated unjustly and (2) those who believe they have been treated unjustly.

Psalm 55:12–14: It’s the ones closest to us that hurt us the most. Sometimes it is family! Church family, natural family, and close friends are the ones that hurt us because our defences are often down against these insiders. We tend to pretend more toward people on the outside, but the ones closest to us see our true selves when we are tired, lazy, and self-indulgent. Intimacy is to be totally transparent without fear of being judged “naked and not ashamed.”

We take offence when:

1. We have false expectations – of someone, of God, ourselves. God always tells us straight what we are getting ourselves into, not to create a false expectation (John 16:1). An expectation that does not come to fulfilment leads to disappointment (Prov 13:12).

2. Our inner picture clashes with the outward appearance. Friends and family/spouses do not see/understand us. We feel they should know our hearts. Jesus spend three years with His disciples, and they did not get it, until after His resurrection. They slept, while He was in agony. They did not get the fact that He must suffer and die.

3. We are opinionated – (Rom 12:16) High-minded, wise in your own opinion. Wisdom of the World (1 Cor 1 & 2). The things of the Kingdom do not always make sense to the natural mind. (1 Cor 1:18-31) You need to know and study the Word of God, through the revelation of the Spirit, to get to know God, and understand His ways.

4. We do not like or agree with the demands of the gospel, fear of suffering. (2 Tim 3:12) The word of God will be tested in your life. When you start doing right, believing and obeying the Word, there will be opposition. Expect it!

5. We Reject Correction because of pride – not legitimate sons – Hebrews 12. True sons receive and ask for correction. We love to please our father, and corrections bring change and growth.

6. We listen to rumors based on lies, agreements. (Lev 19:16; 1 Tim 5:13; Prov 17:9; 18:8; 20;19)

7. We trust our own feelings. (Prov 16:25)

8. We do not love sincerely – love is not easily offended (1 Cor 13:5).

9. We are not rooted and grounded in the Word of Truth – Eph 4:15. The more we know the Word, and discover the truth, the more we mature in God, to no longer be tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine. We should always judge and measure our lives, and people through the eyes of the Word. The Word heals our perspective to look at people without filters of offence, human judgment, preconceived ideas, racism, exclusivity, and pride.

10. We are too sensitive – have not died to the flesh (Pro 14:17) (Love is not touchy).

11. We try to hide in disobedience. Sin is deception and will always try to self-justify and be self-righteous, vindicating self.

12. We have been exposed to false doctrine, false prophecy and false teaching. Many people became disillusioned because of false teachings. (2 Cor 11:13; Gal 2:4; Col 2:16 23; 2 Pet 2:1-18)

How you deal with offences:

Study (Luke 17:1-7) to see the steps, of how you should deal with offences.

We cannot help, and prevent offences to come: v1: “Temptations (snares, traps set to entice to sin) are sure to come”.  Scott Peck says in the first line of chapter one, (The Road Less Travelled). “Life is an obstacle course”, but surely, when we fall because of an obstacle, we do not remain on the ground crying and complaining. We do get up again, and we try again until we succeed! Many people do never get over life’s hurts and offences and remain in their own self-made prison of resentment, bitterness, and anger. They make vows in their heart, to never be hurt again, ending up isolated and distant from the very sources of provision and personal growth.

Although God does not give offence, He uses offence to make us emotionally and spiritually mature. The enemy uses offence to stop us from growing and maturing. The obstacle course is not your enemy, it can become your friend and coach that make you stronger if you learn to embrace the pain.

v3 “Take heed to yourselves” You must take responsibility for your own well-being. Yes, your parents are supposed to look after you and help you, but if they, for some reason, cannot help and support you, do not moan and groan. Get up and do something. Neither is your spouse responsible for your happiness. Yes, a husband should take care of, cherish and love you. But you yourself are responsible, to become complete in His love first. God is love, and it is his Love that completes and fulfils us. (Ephesians 3:16-20)

v3b “If your brother sins against you, REBUKE HIM; and if he repents, forgive him.” The emphasis in this portion of scripture is to correct wrong behaviour. Because of our hurt, we focus so much on our own pain, that we feel paralysed to help the offender to change. RESTORATIVE JUSTICE is an approach to justice that aims to involve the parties to a dispute and others affected by the harm (victims, offenders, families concerned and community members) in collectively identifying harms, needs and obligations through accepting responsibilities, making restitution, and taking measures to prevent a recurrence of the incident and promoting reconciliation.

– See more at: http://www.justice.gov.za/rj/rj.html#sthash.ghXRR2QC.dpuf

This is God’s primary reason, why we need to overcome offence so that we can help the offender on a path of healing. This is how we break the cycle of retaliation, where people continue to hurt another because we ourselves have been hurt.

This is the gift of repentance that Paul speaks about to the Corinthian church. “You have been made sorry” (2 Cor 7:9) “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation” (v10) “you sorrowed in a godly manner:

– What diligence it produced in you, (speúdō – Careful, Diligence, earnest effort)

– What clearing of yourselves, (apología; to give an answer or speech in defense of oneself)

– What indignation, (aganáktēsis – under a great burden which results in indignation what fear, reverence)

– What vehement desire, (epipothéō – to desire earnestly. Earnest desire, strong affection)

– What zeal, (zḗlou – to be hot, fervent. Zeal, used in a good sense

– What vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter (v11) (hagnós – Freedom from defilements or impurities)

The healing and complete restoration of the offender is the redemptive purpose of God. Repentance is a gift from God, but Esau could not find it. “…he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears” (Heb 12:17). When God works repentance, it brings lasting change. When studying the abovementioned list, you will find the godly ingredients necessary for the sinner to come free. Oh, how wonderful to witness the greatest miracle – salvation! A Life changed and transformed! (2 Cor 5:17). The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, righteousness and judgment (Joh 16:8). He works this change in us. Not just bringing conviction of sin, but also convincing us of our right standing before God, having no fear of judgment.

I believe when we arrive at this place regarding sin, we will be willing to: (a) humble ourselves; (b) be 100% truthful and honest; (c) obey and follow instructions. He works the change in us.

Get to the root of the offence

There is no reconciliation between God and man without blood. Through the blood of Christ, we have been atoned, reconciled. Rom. 5:10-11, the word ‘reconcile’ used in this passage means to change a person for the purpose of being able to have fellowship together. The verb katallássō is found only in Rom. 5:10; 1 Cor. 7:11; 2 Cor. 5:18- 20, and the subst. katallagḗ (G2643) is found in Rom. 5:11; 11:15; 2 Cor. 5:18, 19. The word implies two people who are at variance with each other and who are brought together because of a change that occurs. When the words are used in reference to the variance that exists between God and man, the change never occurs in God, but always in man who is the sinner. This is the meaning of the verb in Rom. 5:10, “We were reconciled to God by the death of his Son; much more, being reconciled we shall be saved by his life.” Such reconciliation to God necessitates His changing us, through the new birth (John 1:12; 3:3). It is also the meaning of the subst. in Rom. 5:11, “And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement [katallagḗ, reconciliation.

1. The Blood – There can thus be no reconciliation unless there is blood. Blood represents repentance and forgiveness. You cannot leave errors and sin without speaking up and repenting. You need to humble yourself! You need to go low! This is the only way to deal with offence! Only blood can remove the stone of offence. In order for you to forgive completely, and actually forget the hurt, you need to repent. Repent of the offence taken: bitterness, hardness, unforgiveness, criticism, alienation, resentment, fear of man, ungodly vows, pride. These negative emotions and actions are the fuel that keeps the memory-fire of the offence going. Once the fire gets no more new fuel/logs to burn, it dries out naturally. The oxygen that feeds the fire of offence burning in our hearts are these specific sins, and un-Christlike actions and feelings.
2. Confront and verify the truth – Keep on engaging and maintain contact. Most of the time, when we are offended, we either attack or flee. Both these attempts have disastrous results. People, who are in a covenant relationship with each other, do not have the privilege to disengage! In the covenant ritual, an animal is killed. This is to symbolize that in the same way that after our death we cannot change our will and testament, in the same way, we CANNOT break this covenant. 
3. Do not symphonize (agree) with a person who is offended. Do not listen nor agree with their accusations. The person discussed is not physically present to explain their side of the story, or able to defend. Beware that a secondary offence is much more vehement than the original. Have compassion! Compassion and love move you to do something about the problem. Bring the parties together, and be the facilitator, and peacemaker that reconciles. (Mat 5:8) Blessed are the peacemakers.
4. Take back your boldness, entrance towards God – (Eph 2:11-14) The Enemy wants to rob us of our right standing so that through shame, and guilt we lose our confidence and faith in God. Offence is satanic! It is void of God’s nature and the fruit of the Spirit. It separates! God gave His Son to reconcile us with Himself, He is the way, not your holiness and works. You originally came and made contact not because you were holy, but because He sanctified you and called you close. Reclaim your access to God, the door is still wide open. He has not moved. (Heb 10:19)
5. Know your own boundaries – know yourself. Remain in grace. Often when we stretch our own boundaries of obedience, we enter into a dangerous zone, where the enemy can easily reach us, and trip us. For example, If you are an emotional person, beware of the people you allow into your life. You do not have to be friends with everyone. Do not go unless you are sent, and do not help unless you are asked.
6. We can only be offended by the measure that you are insecure. Seek to discover and find the reason for offence in yourself, not the offender. Ask the question. “Why does this offends me so much?” If someone else had told me this, it would have meant nothing, but when my husband said it, I was furious! Why is this? What is the root of the insecurity? We deal with insecurities by facing them, stopping self-pity and wallowing, getting going and doing something about it. Improve what you are doing! Learn to get your identity and approval from God. Your life is hidden in Christ. (Col 3:2) Insecurities are areas in our lives where we are not yet mature in Christ. Discover Christ in your insecurities and let Him validate and vindicate you.
7. Keep yourself in the love of God, and restore the joy of my salvation. We live by faith. The fruit of faith is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Once we have lost our joy and peace, we will lose our righteousness, and in the end, that will lead to doubting God’s Love.
8. We justify the transgressional sin in our lives. We feel entitled to anger, because of the wrong. It is in trials of our faith that these impurities of the flesh are revealed. God refines us as gold through afflictions, trials, and tribulations, the heat of the furnace separates impurities such as unforgiving, strife, bitterness, anger, and envy hidden in our hearts. Isa 48:10 and 1 Pet 1:6-7

Characteristics of an offended person

– HARDNESS (Pro 18:19) It is rather hard to win and soften an offended person. When we retain an offence in our hearts, we filter everything through it.

– Love does not seek its own but hurts people become more and more self-seeking and self-contained. Pr 18:1 ISOLATE THEMSELVES

– So an offended Christian is one who takes in life but, because of FEAR, cannot release life. 1 Joh 4:18 Fear is most of the time the root, fear of man, fear of suffering, fear of being hurt and rejected, fear of commitment and failure, fear of loss, fear of death. This fear blinds you, and filters out the entire positive perspective, thus causing such a person not to be able to reason logically. The emotion hinders godly perspective, only looking at the rock of offence.

– STONE-walling/Rock of offence. The wrong deed becomes the focus, we cannot see beyond it. When offended by someone, you feel you see a secret truth about that person (usually one aspect), and that everyone else is blinded. (Who sees the whole person, even with their mistakes, but also with their goodness) Offence DEMONIZE an aspect of the offender’s life, to justify the total rejection of that person.

– ALIENATION OF THE MIND Col 1:21 (imaginary rejection) Their moral understanding is darkened, and their reasoning is BECLOUDED. [They are] alienated (estranged, SELF-BANISHED) from the life of God [with no share in it; this is] because of the ignorance (the want of knowledge and perception, the WILLFUL BLINDNESS) that is deep-seated in them, due to their HARDNESS OF HEART [to the insensitiveness of their moral nature]. (Ephesians 4:18 AMP)

– void of the spirit of life, God breathed into dust, without His presence, we become like dust again, no life, dead, lifeless, carnal.

– Offended people become DISCONNECTED from God. When we filter everything through past hurts, rejections, and experiences, we find it impossible to believe God. We cannot believe He means what He says. We doubt His goodness and faithfulness since we judge Him by the standards set by man in our lives. But God is not a man! He cannot lie (Num. 23:19). His ways are not like ours, and His thoughts are not ours (Isa. 55:8–9). If, for some reason, you are offended by God, (by questioning Him), it would in essence, mean that He has to ask you for forgiveness. This is prideful. People often question, “Where was God when…” God asks:” where were you? I have not moved.

– And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. —Mat 24:10 Let’s examine this statement. If we look closely we can see a progression. An offence leads to BETRAYAL, and betrayal leads to HATRED. a Betrayal in the kingdom of God comes when a believer seeks his own benefit or protection at the expense of another believer. The Bible states clearly that anyone who hates his brother is a murderer and that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him (1 John 3:15).

– RETALIATION – Jesus being crucified never retaliated. (1 Pet. 2:21–23). Read and study Joseph’s life, “I served my master with honesty and with integrity for over ten years. I’m more faithful than his wife. I stayed loyal to God and my master, daily fleeing sexual immorality. What is my reward? A dungeon! Ps 105:18 yet because Joseph endured in faith and obedience Gen 50:19–20; Rom 8:29

– LOOSE YOUR PERSONAL REVELATION and faith in Jesus. John the Baptist, at conception, received the spirit, and was a personal witness to the Father publicly endorsing His son. Yet when left in a prison, because of standing for truth, he became offended at doubting that Jesus is the Messiah. Mat 11:3, 6.

– UNFAIRNESS – You feel ENTITLED to your judgement, bitterness, anger and resentment.

– Offence SABOTAGE you from the SUPERNATURAL Mark 6:1 first he did powerful things… His family is offended… v5 he could not do any mighty works… He marveled at their unbelief. You cannot initiate anything supernatural when in the wrong camp. Favour brings an atmosphere of faith, offense is anti favour. Disgust, contempt, judgement, and criticism lead to dehumanization, leading to demonizing, and ultimately rejection, alienation and, ultimately murder and death.

– OFFENSE IS A SPIRIT: Mat 16:21 – far be it from you Lord… Peter in a few verses previously saw Jesus as the son of God, yet he interpreted this revelation as earthly rule and glory… He did not see the road of suffering. What Jesus was saying was against his expectation. “Get behind me satan.” Peter’s expectation was wrong and satanic. We think earthly. From the perspective of dust. Jesus exposes satan working in Peter’s heart.

– TRIALS AND TESTS locate a person’s true character. In other words, they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you react. It is in trials of our faith that these impurities of the flesh are revealed. God refines us as Gold through afflictions, trials, and tribulations, the heat of which separates impurities such as unforgiveness, strife, bitterness, anger, envy, and so forth from the character of God in our lives. Isa 48:10 and 1 Pet 1:6-7

Being offended at God

There is no legitimate reason for us to take offence. These following examples of people had a valid reason to be offended, but they did not. Mat 5:39-45 These are the true sons of God. We find TEKNON used in Romans 8:15–16. It says that because we have received the spirit of adoption, “the Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children [teknon] of God.” When a person receives Jesus Christ as Lord, he is a child of God by fact of the new birth experience. (See John 1:12.) The other Greek word translated as sons in the New Testament is HUIOS. Many times it is used in the New Testament to describe “one who can be identified as a son because he displays the character or characteristics of his parents.”

“Are you angry at Me?” No answer… “If you are angry at me, then you expect Me to apologize?” Oh Lord, what arrogance and blindness we have! God is never wrong! He does not need to explain Himself. (His thought is not our thoughts Isa 55:8-9) Many people say, where is God, where was He when that happened? God is always there, and He didn’t move. But we moved away. We took our eyes of Him, and started looking at the storm.

Biblical accounts of offence:

Some of these characters had reason to take offence against God, but they did not, and their faith was counted to them for salvation. God is a good God, and wants our ultimate good, bringing us into rich fulfilment. (Ps 66:12) Yet what He does, doesn’t always make sense at the time, it is only later that we see His hand and protection.

1. God asks Adam why he disobeyed. Adam blames God for “That woman you gave me,” causing him to sin (Gen. 3).

2. God doesn’t accept or receive Cain’s sacrifice. Cain is angry with God for not taking his sacrifice. He kills Abel.

3. Noah is ridiculed for many years after God tells him to build a gigantic boat on dry land. His obedience led to ridicule and slander.

4. God tells Abraham that he will be the father of nations (That is also what his name means). He must wait until he is 100 and his wife is 90 for the son that he was promised.

5. Joseph had reason his brothers deliberately wanted to kill him. (Gen 37:20-21) Joseph refuses to sleep with the wife of his boss. Jilted and angry, Potiphar’s wife accuses him of attempted rape, and Joseph is sent to prison for years. Joseph was innocent yet put in chains in prison (Ps 105:18)

6. Moses reluctantly agrees to go back to Egypt and speak to Pharaoh. Pharaoh increases the work of the Israelite slaves so that they are beaten. Their lives now more difficult than before, his own people curse Moses for doing what God told him (Exodus 5).

7. Job suffers, unknowingly participating in God’s bet with Satan that Job will not curse God if his blessings are removed.

8. Daniel thrown in lion’s den while in his 80’s.

9. David anointed to be King, runs from Saul for 10+ years. Rejected, betrayed, sleeps in caves (1 Sam. 19-30). Saul sought to kill David, David looked to Saul as a spiritual father from greatly loving David (1 Sam 16:21) to wanting to kill him, “and Saul ‘eyed’ David from that day forward (1 Sam 18:8-9) Yet David’s heart did not turn into offence (1 Sam 24:11-13) who can stretch out his hand against God’s anointed (1 Sam 26:11)

10. The angel Gabriel said to Mary, “Greetings favoured one!” Joseph wants out of the relationship. They both must receive the stares and shame from family, friends and relatives.

11. John the Baptist, Jesus cousin, dies an ignoble death in prison. (Matt. 11:4-6). John was in prison because he spoke out against Herod’s illicit relationship with his brother’s wife. He was not given a Godly command to do this, else he would not have been offended in prison. When God gives you a command, and you suffer as a result there is grace to endure. Like Paul being send to Rome. He knew the danger, but was fearless. In the end Herodias ensure John’s death, because of her own offence being corrected publicly.

a. Jesus states his mission is to “proclaim liberty to captives,” (Luke 4:18). But he leaves this sentence out when answering John (Matt 11:4-6)

b. Jesus tells us to visit prisoners but we have no record of him visiting John (Matt. 25:39-40).

c. Knowing our tendency to get offended, he says, “Blessed is he who is not offended by me.” (Matt. 11:6)

12. Jesus heals on the Sabbath knowing it will offend the religious leaders (Mark 3:1-6).

13. Jesus calls a foreign woman a dog. She overcomes the offence, comes after him and receives a miracle (Mark. 7:24-30).

14. Jesus ruins the economics of an area when 2,000 pigs are drowned (Mark 5:1-20). He is asked to leave.

15. Jesus is often frustrated with people and tells them, i.e. “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me” (Mark 9:19).

16. Jesus curses fig tree when it was not the season for figs (Mark 11:12-14).

17. Jesus tells observant Jews they must eat his flesh and drink his blood. “This is a hard saying, who can listen to it?” “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before?” (John 6:52-66). The truth offends, some departed, but the disciples remained “you have the Words of eternal life” (Joh 6:60, 61, 66)

18. Because of His trust and obedience to His Father, Jesus sometimes offended people, and was consequently innocently betrayed, rejected, humiliated and tortured to death. YET IN THE END HE PRAYED FOR HIS TRANGRESSORS! “Father forgive them for the know not what they do” (Luk 23:34)

19. Jesus expects that He will make us stumble and be broken. “But he looked directly at them and said, ‘What then is this that is written: The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone’? Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, and when it falls on anyone, it will crush him’” (Luke 20:17-18)

These Biblical accounts show that much can be learned as we walk through the struggles of offence. In the midst of offence, we can wallow in self-pity or trust in our Lord God to make it right in His time, however long it takes. Remember, we are not looking for God to prove His love through our circumstances, the Cross of Christ proved God’s love. We’ve died to ourselves, our life is now lived with and for God. (Galatians 2:20) We may grieve our loss, but we don’t cry for ourselves, but for those who hurt us who don’t know how to love.

Nothing demonstrates that we’re not totally dead to ourselves like offences. Wrestle with the offence, placing it at the feet of God. Ask Him for wisdom. He may require you to wait. In the meantime, practice praising and thanking God for what you do have and not focusing on the loss. But let Him vindicate you, waiting for His miracle, His work as you press forward in faith, trusting. For God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

The way of the Kingdom is our escape Button

Love is never selfish, never quick to take offence. 1 Cor 13:5

Proverbs 19:11 “A man`s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence.”

When Jesus dies on the cross he exclaimed: “Father forgive them for they do not know what they do” (Luk 23:34) Why did he not say: “I forgive you” He made intercession for the people, asking God to not hold His death against them. Jesus is love! Jesus is forgiveness. This is the crux of the life He taught: Love your enemies, Pray for those who spitefully use you, Bless those who curse you! (Mat 5:43-44)

When we intercede for someone in prayer, God restores His love in our hearts. This is how He heals us from taking offence. He gives us compassion for the offender. We do not live anymore; we have been crucified with Christ. (Gal 2:20) We do not accuse someone before God. When intercede, we put ourselves in their shoes. This is when we will begin to see what God sees, a broken heart, and a heart needing a Savior!

Offence in essence is a lack of love, our hearts have turned. But by praying and interceding for our offenders and enemies we gain God’s heart, we see as He sees.

When His love floods our hearts, we forgive and surrender everything to God. Faith is restored in Love. (Rom 5:4)

HUISWERK:

Bepaal en skryf neer wat is die Grondreëls van julle kommunikasie: Wat mag julle nooit doen nie? M.b.t. hoe julle met mekaar kommunikeer.

Week #4 Hindrances to Meaningful Communication

Communication in an intimate relationship can be more strained because of its emotional nature. We tend not to have rational unemotional academic debates with our spouses, do we? Conversations usually start with an expressed feeling, instead of a rational fact. “Have you paid the electricity bill?” Is usually not a request for information, but a subtle judgement. “You have forgotten before, and I’m fearful you forgot again.” Your spouse automatically reacts defensively: “Of course I have, why are you asking, do you not trust me?” Soon the discourse erupts, as we both defend our moral position. 

This is why the Chapter about offence, and guarding our hearts is so important. Before we speak to our spouse, are there any hidden moral judgements we hold against the other? Having moral judgments against the other is bad for any relationship, no one wants to be married to a thief, liar, untrustworthy, lazy, or egomaniac! Usually, we aren’t any of these offenders, but yes we made a mistake, we forgot, we misplaced something, we became distracted, and we were a bit lazy by not picking up our clothes after we got ready for bed.  Do you get the point? 

Accurate communication, and choice of words are essential to a loving understanding of a covenant relationship.  Before your next engagement think about the following realities:

We usually do not keep any more than 7 thoughts in our short-term memory at any given time.  This is why speakers do not discuss more than 5 main points in a lecture, seven is the magic number when it comes to remembering telephone numbers, a maximum of 9.  Can you remember the shopping list your wife gave you, before leaving the home? What has occupied our mind the last couple of hours, also predetermines our ability to tackle a difficult criticism about my character the moment we got home.  Raising children can be demanding, but so also closing that last deal, negotiating conflict at work, and all the daily responsibilities we must do daily! Cleaning the house for 3 hours makes you more observant of dirt, than your husband coming home after work, with his mind still occupied with work-related challenges.  You are cognitively on two different planets! 

On top of that, it is a well-known fact that people communicate through a set of filters shaped by their history, sense of identity, beliefs about what is true, and values about what is right, as well as perceptions and interpretations of what is going on. When someone else communicates with us, we squeeze the message through our own personal filtering system to understand. Of course, people from the same ethnic, cultural, gender, national, or geographic grouping have some common history and beliefs. That makes communication within those groups easier, than between people who come from different backgrounds. Beyond these differences, each of us also has unique ways of thinking and processing. We pay attention to various aspects of reality, based on how we individually use our brains. Some of us think in detailed linear sequences, while others prefer to envision a larger whole. Some people are attracted to those things that are different and new, while others are drawn to what is the same (or at least similar) to what they already know.

In Noam Chomsky’s 1957 Ph.D. thesis, Transformational Grammar, he said there are three processes by which people create the filters of their individual Model of the World:[1]

1. Deletion
2. Generalization
3. Distortion

On top of that, we have all the following differences and hindrances to consider!!!

HINDRANCES IN COMMUNICATION

Perceptual Differences

• Cultural background
• Bad experiences in the past
• Association
• Needs
• Education

Language

• Grammar
• Vocabulary
• Meaning
• Jargon
• Etiquette
• Sentence construction

Physical Location

• Noise
• Oxygen
• Lighting
• Tidiness
• Atmosphere
• Hungry

Physiological Factors

• Headache
• Illness and pain
• Hunger
• Fatigue
• Emotional trauma
• Concentrated on something else.
• Medication, Alcohol or use of drugs.

Psychological differences

• Attitude and Motive
• World view
• Ideology
• Doctrinal beliefs
• Tension and stress
• Psychological episode
• Personality – analitical, visionary, methodical, networker[2]
• The big 5 personality traits Jordan B Peterson

1. Agreeableness: Compassion and Politeness
2. Conscientiousness: Industriousness and Orderliness
3. Extraversion: Enthusiasm and Assertiveness
4. Neuroticism: Withdrawal and Volatility
5. Openness to Experience: Openness and Intellect[3]

General Factors

• Gender
• Age
• Socio-economic background
• Knowledge and facts (Research dominance, fake-news, disinformation)
• Family Ties and Loyalties
• Spiritually not on the same level of maturity. (Religious affiliation background)
• Occupation and personal interests
• Political Differences (family alliances)
• Financial Dependence on parents.
• Childhood trauma
• Phycological Problems and Physical constraints.
• Right of Left-brain predominance

By now you should realize it is not so easy, to be sure you are rightly understood, and that your partner understands your heart.  The random mixture of all the above at any given time, also means that every specific situation and issue of discussion at any given time is going to be different.  Most of our frustration in an intimate relationship is the false predictions we make of one another based on yesterday’s actions or conversations. 

Here are some ground rules, absolute NO-NOs that disrupt and derail any discussion.  Remember in a covenant marriage we cannot hide our weaknesses, faults, shortcomings, or idiosyncrasies! We are called to be naked and not ashamed in our Marriage Eden!  Some couples struggle to be physically naked before each other, and even more so be candid about their vulnerabilities, fears, insecurities, and doubts!  

We all try to cover our shame.  Remember we can only be offended to the level that we are insecure in an area of our life!

The following extraction from John Bradshaw’s book “Healing the shame that bounds you”, is very helpful to pinpoint shame-based thinking that makes meaningful communication almost impossible!

SHAME-BASED DISTORTED THINKING

Catastrophizing

A headache signals an impending brain tumour. A memo to see the boss means you’re going to get fired. Catastrophizing results from having no boundaries or sense of worth. There are no limits to the “what ifs” that can occur.

Mind-Reading

In mind reading, you make assumptions (without evidence) about how people are reacting to you. “I can tell by their faces, they’re getting ready to fire me.” “She thinks I’m immature or she wouldn’t ask me these questions.” These assumptions are usually born of intuition, hunches, vague misgivings or one or two past experiences. Mind-reading depends on projection. You imagine that people feel as bad about you as you do about yourself. As a shame-based person, you are critical and judgmental of yourself. You assume others feel the same way about you.

Personalization

Shame-based people are egocentric. I compare it to having a chronic toothache. If your tooth hurts all the time, all you can think of is your tooth.  You become tooth-centred. Likewise, if your ‘self’ is ruptured and it is painful to experience your ‘self’, you become self-centred.  This is why the commandment is to love your neighbours as you love yourself.  Self-acceptance and more so self-forgetfulness are the foundation of rightly loving others.

Shame-based people relate everything to themselves negatively. A recently married woman thinks that every time her husband talks about being tired, he is tired of her. A man whose wife complains about the accelerating price of food hears this as an attack on his ability to be a breadwinner. 

Personalization

Personalization involves the habit of continually comparing yourself to other people. This is a consequence of the perfectionistic system that fosters shame. A perfectionistic system demands comparison. “He’s a much better organizer than I am.” “She knows herself a lot better than I do.” “He feels things so deeply. I’m really shallow.” The list of comparisons never ends. The underlying assumption is that your worth is questionable. Remember, comparison is the death of joy!

Overgeneralization

This distortion results from toxic shame’s grandiosity. One slipped stitch means, “I’ll never learn how to sew.” A turn-down for a date means “Nobody will ever want to go out with me.” In this thinking distortion, you make a broad, generalized conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence.   Overgeneralizations lead to universal qualifiers like, “Nobody loves me … I’ll never get a better job . . . I will always have to struggle . .. Why can’t I ever get it right? … No one would love me if they really knew me … ” Other cue words are all, every and everybody.

Another form of overgeneralization is what’s called Nominalization. In nominalization, a process is made into a thing. “My marriage is sick”, is a nominalization. Marriage is a dynamic process. Only some aspect of it is troubled, not the whole marriage. I heard a classic example recently. A guy said, “This country is going down the tubes.” This country involves countless dynamics, processes and people. Some aspect of all these dynamics bothers this man. But the whole country is not an entity.  Overgeneralizations contribute to a greater and greater restricted lifestyle.  They present a grandiose absolutizing, which implies that some immutable law governs your chances of happiness. This form of distorted thinking intensifies one’s shame.

Either/Or Thinking

Another consequence of shame-based grandiosity is polarized thinking or either/or thinking. The chief mark of this thought distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices: You perceive everything in extremes. There is no middle ground. People and things are either good or bad, wonderful, or terrible. The most destructive aspect of this thought distortion is its impact on how you judge yourself. If you’re not brilliant or error-free, then you must be a failure. There is no room for mistakes. A single-parent client of mine was determined to be a perfect parent to her two children. The moment she felt confused and tired of parental chores, she began badmouthing herself to me. She was disgusted with herself as a parent.

Being Right

As a shame-based person, you must continually prove that your viewpoint and actions are correct. You live in a completely defensive posture. Since you cannot make a mistake, you aren’t interested in the truth of other opinions, only in defending your own. This thought distortion really keeps you in the shame squirrel cage, because you rarely hear any new information. You get no new data that would help you change your belief system about yourself.

Should Thinking

Karen Homey wrote about the “Tyranny of Shoulds”. Should thinking is a direct result of perfectionism. In this thought distortion you operate from a list of inflexible rules about how you and other people should act. The rules are right and indisputable. One client told me that her husband should want to take her on Sunday drives. “Any man who loves his wife ought to take her for a drive out in the country and then to a nice eating place.” The fact that her husband didn’t want to do this meant that he was selfish and “only thought about himself. The most common cue words for this thought distortion are should, ought and must. A shame-based person with this thought distortion makes both himself and others miserable.

Control Thinking Fallacies

Control is a major cover-up for toxic shame. Control is a product of grandiosity and distorts thinking in two ways. You see yourself as helpless and externally controlled or as omnipotent and responsible for everyone around you. You don’t believe that you have any real control over the outcome of your life. This keeps you stuck and in your shame cycle.  The opposite fallacy is the fallacy of omnipotent control. You feel responsible for everything and everybody. You carry the world on your shoulders and feel guilty when it doesn’t work out.

Cognitive Deficiency Or Filtering

In this thinking distortion you pick out one element of a situation to the exclusion of everything else. The detail you pick out supports your belief about your personal defectiveness. A client of mine, who was a fine management consultant, was highly praised for a marketing report he created.   His boss asked if he could get the next report out in less time. My client was depressed. When questioning him, I found that he was obsessing on the fact that he thought his boss was suggesting that he was lazy. He had completely missed the enthusiastic praise in his shame-based fear of defectiveness.  Filtering is a way to magnify and “awfulize” your thoughts. This triggers powerful shame spirals.

Blaming And Global Labelling

Blaming is a cover-up for shame and a way to pass it on to others. Blaming lends itself to global labeling. Your grocery store has rotten food. The prices are a rip-off. A reserved and quiet gal on a date is a dull wallflower. Your boss is a gutless dumbo.

Moralizing:

One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Such judgments are reflected in language such as, “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment.

Self-condemnation:

Some people struggle to accept that God loves them as they are. They constantly feel guilty when things go wrong, and automatically begin to self-assess and scrutinise their motives as the possible cause.  But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God. (1 Cor 4:3-5) The Holy Spirit will convict us of wrongdoing and work the change in us, immediately as we gain Right understanding. (2 Cor 7:9)

Lastly, not many people are willing to open their hearts to most of this emotional stuff, they content that life is practical, and I deal only with that what I can see. They will try to avoid these deeper discussions by physical isolation like staying away, making a joke of it, or making it off as phycological mumbo jumbo! The problem is, we are all emotional beings, and our emotions are the fuel that drives our actions! 

It is therefore important that we at least have a discussion, to identify whether we are guilty of any of the above-mentioned incidences of communication.  Ask your spouse directly: Am I doing any of this stuff? Be honest! “The heart is deceitful above all things,

And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” (Jer 17:9)

It is not easy to change communication bad habits!! Especially those we have learned from our parents! This lesson extensively discussed in “How emotions are made, the secret life of the brain” by Lisa Feldman Barrett explains that emotions do not control us, we constructed our emotional responses over time.  We self-design our reactions through specific behaviours that work for us! Why do not all husbands lose their tempers and physically assault their wives? You train yourself over time into a certain automatic response!  

TRAINING THE RIGHT MIND

How we think determines how you believe, and eventually how you act and respond to life.  Prov 4:23;

When Jesus saved and freed the demon-possessed man, he was healed in his right mind. Mark 5:15 “In his right mind”

The battlefield is certainly in the mind.  Like a tree cannot help that birds comes and nest in it, we cannot stop the thoughts from entering.  However, we can raise a standard against it, in order that it does not take root, become a legal argument and eventually a stronghold. 2 Cor 10:4-5 

The good news is, those who are in Christ received a renewed mind,  the spirit of our mind being activated, Eph 4:23  and creating a conflict between old mindsets, and the mind of Christ within.  Rom 12:2 We need to re-program the mind of old patterns, mind-sets, memories and attitudes to be filled with the mind of Christ. 1 Cor 2:16

Like a post office, we should order and rule out the thoughts “mail” coming into our minds. Not all mail coming in should be opened, it was not addressed to us. It is junk mail. We should apply the spam filters of the Holy Spirit, the Word, Good sound Doctrine, and Wise Godly Counsel. 

In order for us to break through in every area of life, we need to learn to think like God.

The characteristics of someone who has His mind is evident in Christ: and can be tested. 

MIND OF CHRIST:

But we have the mind of Christ 1 Cor 2:16 It is interesting to note, that Paul declares, we already have the mind of Christ.  This mind is given by the Holy Spirit, if you study the whole chapter carefully.  The Mind of Christ is thus the Spirit’s mind, the father’s mind.  By faith we say; “I have the mind of Christ” like the poor say they are rich, the weak say they are strong.  Joel 3:10 but also the Spirit helps us and teaches us the mind and will of God.  Joh 14:26 I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts. Jer 31:34; you have an anointing from the Holy One, and you know all things 1 John 2:20

Love God with ALL YOUR MIND

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength Mark 12:30; Isaiah 26:3  Whose mind is stayed on Him. To be God inside-minded. Conscious of Him continually.  This is why we meditate on the Word continually.  Like someone who is in love, God is camping in our heads.  Our minds are infatuated with Him.  It requires focus. We focus our minds on the things above. Col 3:1; Phil 4:8

WILLING MIND

For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted… 2 Cor 8:12 Chantal has a beautiful picture of the posture of obedience, is to be ready to obey, even before you have heard the command.  This speaks of an attitude of being ready to serve, give yourself, and risk because of your complete trust in the one who makes the request.  Mat 11:25-30 His yoke is easy… unforced rhythms of grace.  Hesitation, passivity and procrastination are all works of the flesh, and a carnal mind rooted in fear.  The willing mind is rooted in absolute trust, like a gymnastic circus acrobat trusts their partner completely, without hesitation.

ONE MIND    

1 Cor 1:10; Gal 5:10; Phil 1:27 This is vital to one’s spiritual survival to keep in sync with what the Spirit is doing in the rest of the body. Like in a choir, we are not only sensitive to our own voice, but those around me.  I adjust regularly because of the input and synergy I feel with the body.  Christ within and amongst us.  Col 1:27 You can tune your instrument without a tuner, but will not be able to play with the orchestra. Jesus is the standard Tuner, we are all tuned into Him, and then harmonize with each other. 

SOUND MIND

Most translations translate this word, self-control, or self-discipline. 2Tim 1:7 The root word means literally a ‘saved’ mind, like saved from its lower state to a higher reality.  This is how you control your passions and desires, by have a saved, godly, heaven-focussed mind about it. This is how you rule,  by looking at the temporary rewards and seeing the eternal rewards and glory. Being aware of God’s final Judgement.   Like an athlete competing and exercising their bodies because of the reward of winning a Olympic medal, we train and buffet our bodies into subjection of a heavenly reward. 1 Cor 9:27

SOBER MIND

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ  1 Pet 1:13 Fundamental to Jesus’ life was His reasonableness, level-headedness, soundness of mind, common sense. Since a young boy he reasoned with the scribes and pharisees in the temple.  The gospel in its essence is common sense.  Christianity is the one religion in the world which demands a daring and continuous use of the intellect. Think! One of Jesus’ favorite ways of teaching was by asking questions and stating the obvious.

One of Jesus’ favorite ways of teaching was by asking questions and stating the obvious.

1) swearing an oath – (Matt 5:34, 37)

2) repetitive prayers

3) is the body not more than clothing

4) it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles but that what comes out of the heart

5) do unto others as you want then to do to you

6) the sabbath is for man not man for the sabbath

7) following him without obeying is foolish Mat 7:26

8) Outward appearance without dealing with the heart. Luke 11:40

SPIRITUAL MIND

Be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness Eph 4:23 – 24 Read and study the gospels… and discover how Jesus struggled with the disciples to have a spiritual mind.  He looked at everything from a heavenly, eternal, throne perspective.  Our biggest problem is looking at life through our natural senses, and not through the eyes of faith. 

LOWLINESS OF MIND

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others. Phil 2:3-5 David was also instructed to not put his mind on too high things Ps 131:1  Having a godly estimation of yourself, not being conceited into pride having an overestimation of self, and an underestimation of others. The same applies to the reverse: having and under estimation of self and over-estimation of others.  We see ourselves with His eyes. 

DYING TO SELF MIND

Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin 1Pet 4:1 This is always the outcome of the mind of Christ. He was the example in this, having died giving his life for the World.  The teachings of Christ is centered in exposing the hidden motive of self to put itself on the throne, building a stage to have prominence before man. 

Willing to yield, PEACEABLE MIND

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Jam 3:16 The Mind of Christ is not argumentative, is not seeking a conspiracy behind everything, does not seek to uncover the secrets of man.  This will eventually do happen in the Judgement day, but He came to seek and save the lost.  Luk 19:10

[1] Noam Chomsky’s 1957 PhD. Transformational Grammar

[2] 2interact Communication Intelligence Deon Basson)

[3] https://www.understandmyself.com

Week #5 What is our CORE Values – Key to Happiness

In Henry Cloud’s book ‘The Power of the Other’, the author told a story of a prominent heart surgeon who was unfaithful to his wife, not for the first time and wanted to fix and restore his marriage desperately.  He expressed the following as the reason why he needs Dr Cloud’s help. “I came here to see you,” he said, “so you could give me some input about my plan. I want to turn everything around, save my marriage, and really change. So, I have made some serious commitments and put some things in place that I think are going to help, and I want to get your thoughts on my plan.” Surprisingly, Dr Cloud disapproved of his elaborate plan. “There is a fundamental problem with this approach: the whole plan depended on his performance and his output. In short, it depends on your strength to make it work. It’s based on your ability. Your output. That’s the problem. You have been acting out of your needs, your weaknesses, and your vulnerabilities. And you still have those needs, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. They have not gone away. And this strategy has nothing to do with bringing fulfilment to those needs, strength to those weaknesses, and help to the places in your soul where you feel vulnerable.”[1]

This story deals with the hidden root of why marriages fail: Our core needs (values) are not met. 

Dr Marshall Rosenberg explains that people usually have three responses to needs and wants.  Like the example mentioned above, some people totally deny their own needs and live to meet the needs of others. The second group Marshall calls the obnoxious group, has no problem expressing their needs and asking or even demanding what they want.  Off course, both these approaches will fail and leave you with failed expectations, still stuck with your needs not being met sufficiently or sustainably.  The proper approach is a reciprocal balance between meeting the needs of others and also making known what I want and need.  This is a careful balance and part of the relational dance to serve and love each other. 

Dr Gottman goes further by explaining a mathematical, statistical formula: the 5-1 equation. That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. [2] 

Whether it’s about not having enough sex, the dirty laundry, or spending too much money, conflict is inevitable in every marriage. To understand the difference between happy and unhappy couples, Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples in the 1970s. They asked couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes, then sat back and watched. After carefully reviewing the tapes and following up with them nine years later, they were able to predict which couples would stay together and which would divorce with over 90% accuracy.

Fundamentally, before we go into physical, measurable needs and wants, any couple will have to determine and agree on their respective CORE VALUES. The core values in a relationship are the guiding beliefs that direct your words and actions, your perspective about yourself and other individuals and the world around you. Core values are the foundation of how you live your life.

Examples of Core values is:

1. Faith and spirituality participation and commitment to a church.
2. Discipline approach of Children.
3. Financial plan and strategy.
4. Rules of engagement in conflict.
5. Choice of type of friends.

Broadly speaking, core values may be the following: Trust, Loyalty, Family, Open Communication, Truthfulness, Self-discipline, and self-improvement.

Once the core values are discussed, one must also realize that we all suffer from Cognitive Dissonance. [3]Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes unpleasant feelings of unease or discomfort.[4] We all sometimes desire something mentally but totally fail to practice and work towards that ideal. 

This leads to a whole other subject – Behavior and Habits.  We are the sum-total of our habits.  The primary people that either challenge or reinforce bad habits are our spouses!!

A MUST-HAVE Book that all couples should work through when it comes to habits is Atomic Habits – by James Clear.[5] Habits form because it works for us; this is why this topic is so important in building a healthy covenant relationship.  Thus, explaining and understanding one another’s needs and wants is fundamental to sustainable happiness and fulfilment.

Here are the important questions to discuss:

1. What are your primary daily needs?
2. What are your short-term needs this year?
3. What do you want to achieve, own, and accomplish in the next five years?
4. What do you physically like/want as a gift?
5. What do you need and want to feel loved and appreciated?
6. What do you specifically need from me?
7. What do you want to achieve physically, and mentally, and career development?
8. What can you not live without?
9. What relaxes, calms, or fulfils you?
10. When do you feel happiest in our relationship?

[1] “The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it” by Henry Cloud.  

Read this book on Scribd: https://www.scribd.com/book/308264926

[2] https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

[3] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012

[4] American Psychological Association.

[5] https://jamesclear.com

Week #6 Keep Yourself Sexually Pure

We all are in need for connection – Being connected is what sexuality is all about.  

Scholars believe that the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means “to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.” This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.  Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we’re severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect.[1]

God’s Answer to AIDS – Walk Thru the Bible Seminar – Is a happy, mutually sexually fulfilled, deeply meaningful (gemaklike) harmonious connection between a husband and a wife.

Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor 7:1-5)

A DEEP CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE CAN BE SEEN AS A BEACH

Sexuality is like the waves and tides of the sea, as it breaks out unto a beach. You cannot stop it only ride it or drown in it.  Adore it from afar or surf it.  Be afraid of it or learn to respect it.  Sex can be the most beautiful and wonderful experience when you swim in it and enjoy it.  Being forced or just thrown into it, will leave you with a lasting fear and shock. 

People’ sexuality exist like various beaches all over the world. Some beaches’ water is cold others is hot.  Some have fantastic waves to surf at times and others do not. Some have substantial constant waves others are like lagoons with almost no waves  Some beaches are pretty to look at, and others have long stretches of sand   Some are rocky and nearly inhabitable yet each one has a beauty and splendour of its own. Given to us to enjoy in the holiness of marriage.  Its sunsets, its unpredictable weather is aluring.  Some are easy to get to, others are not.  But so is each person’s sexuality its deepest offering of intimacy. Uncovering not only the nakedness of our bodies, but of our soul. 

Like the sea, our sexuality is dark and mysterious, its throbbing tides the constant rhythm in our bodies.  Nothing we do can stop it, some build walls and breakwalls, but the sea has a mind of its own and will not be controlled or ruled.  Some study the ocean but never get into it. Some get into it, and never understand it.

There is no correct answer here but to find that one beach, and swim in it whenever it allows you to, but remember you are a beach too to that one special person.  Reveal your secrets, open your heart, and let your spouse find pleasure at your beach. The quest is to know and be known. 

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit. (1 Thes 4:3-8) Sexual immorality is a spiritual (connection) matter, and must hence be first solved within our connection with God. Being filled with the spirit, and completely nourished spiritually fulfils the fleshly desires of the body.  This is why this verse puts the responsibility on you: “now how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor”. SEE 1 Cor 6:18 “but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.!” There is no greater secret battle than the battle some men have regarding the power of pornography. 

Sexual sins are a dark ‘abyss’ of abuse, violence and destruction. God has given us sexual urges because they are good so that we can become ONE with our spouse spiritually, emotionally, but also physically. We welcome His light because as children of light, we need His light to heal us and bring us closer and closer to the Sun of righteousness with healing in His rays. The Bible lists all sins, but what is God’s heart, what is His desire for us?

At the heart of all the above sins is the focus on the self. “Self” I become the God, and I must be worshipped, I must get my way, my pleasure.

John Piper writes “Sex and the supremacy of Christ” Sexuality is designed by God as a way to know God in Christ more fully. Knowing God in Christ more fully is designed as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality” My friend Michael Wood taught me “all addiction is a sign of malnutrition” Our sexual desire seeks a more profound connection than mere contact with a body. We are seeking unity and fullness, a fulfilment that can only be fulfilled in our union with Christ. Jesus overcomes all sexual temptations because He loves as God loves.

WHY REMAIN FAITHFUL?

“I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes. Job 31:1

FOR GOD – The Bible declare God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:10-16) We made a vow before God and witnesses; “what God has brought together, let no man separate” Jesus made it very clear that Moses offered the people divorce letters, but before God there is no separation. (Mt 19:4-8)  As believers We have no right to divorce unless our partner has already committed adultery, and when our spouse who is an unbeliever seeks to be separated. (1Co 7:27-28) We are joined to each other in covenant, and we cannot separate. As believers, we belong to God, and we are His dwelling place, how can we allow the members of his body to be defiled? (1 Cor 6:16-19) God will judge adulterers and divorcees.  (Heb 13:4) Joseph resisted the daily seduction of Potiphar’s wife because of his love for God. He asked her, “How … could I do this great evil and sin against God?” (Gen. 39:9). God wants us to develop a passion for Him that is greater than our passion to sin!

FOR TRUE LOVE – So many people say: “I do not love my spouse anymore, should I stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of marriage?” This reveals a great deception where these people value “love” more than they value obedience to God. Love is now their god. They believe that love will make them happy.  Erotic romantic love makes you feel empowered, you feel invincible, you feel alive, your happiness is focused on your lover, and you cannot get them out of your head. People even give their lovers god-like names and become poetic about the beautiful, glorious, illuminated, transcending experience. The sad truth is, that all this is a chemical reaction in the brain that releases dopamine that wears off over time.  Love is what brings a couple together, but we need more than mere romantic love to remain together. Do the 1 Corinthians 13 love test, and discover God’s kind of love. 

FOR HONOR – Honour is the stuff heroes are made of.  Honour preserves our lives over time and generations. We remember people either for their honour or their failure.  Honour is a form of godliness where we touch divinity.  In honour, we become separated from our frail, humanness, and flawed person. Honour is doing what is right, and sacrificing our lives in the process.  People who get divorced for any other reason than adultery, physical abuse and manipulation have no honour.  Marriage is honourable, it is holy and sacred Heb 13:4.

FOR IT IS MY CALLING AND RESPONSIBILITY – When we consider and fulfil our various roles: husband as leader and wives as helpmate, we bring honour to the relationship.  When we allow emotions and circumstances to override our responsibility, position and role, we open the door to various kinds of evil. We leave our partner uncovered, exposed to attack. Make your calling and identity sure.  1 Pet 1:10. You are not an adulterer, liar, thief, betrayer and unfaithful person! But giving in to sin distorts God’s destiny and calling over your life, and soon you will become exactly that. Respect yourself and God’s call upon your life enough not to sell your birthright for a morsel of bread. 

FOR LEGACY – we model right living to our children and thus build a legacy for our children to follow.  We give up rights and privileges now, so in the future, our children may have it easier. Marriage faithfulness is the foundation of building a legacy for our children. The family unit becomes the bases of a family enterprise that provides for generations to come. Once we break this up, we divide not only the family but also the family’s provision.  So many children today have lost hope and faith in the sanctity and purpose of marriage because they have so few examples to follow.  Children now must make and discover their own way because this generation selfishly only provides for themselves.  Children do not learn through their ears; they learn through their experiences.  What experience are you creating for your children?  Your decision will affect them for the rest of their lives.

FOR KEEPING YOUR WORD – one of my best friends was married for 22 years when his wife contracted colon cancer.  She became very sick, and they did not enjoy the pleasures of marriage anymore. He had to take care of her, she was in much pain and as a result, became difficult and unreasonable at times.  After she passed away, I asked him one day, “why did you remain faithful?” His quick and prompt reply moved me; “I gave my word!” That’s it! We do not always have much to give as humans, but our word! Many people’s words have become meaningless without substance because you cannot take them at their word.  You made a vow before God and witness; you should therefore get all those people together and try to convince them why you are now seeking a divorce.

FOR SAFETY AND SECURITY – Marriage provides financial security if we work hard and are faithful to what we have received. Together husbands and wives build together to establish a home and provide for their children, also saving for their old age, and in some cases, they have to help provide for their respective parents too. Divorce destroys this nest egg.  Wives who have not been working full-time are thrown back into the corporate world, often at old age we start at the bottom again. They have lost the security and safety of marriage.  The children are often also the victims of financial difficulty, because of the losses and costs of divorce.  Thus also losing the safety and security the home should have provided.  It is unbelievable to see what people are willing to pay for giving up their marriages, if they have spent the same money and effort on working on their problems the marriage could have been saved. 

FOR PERSONAL GROWTH – walking out of a relationship, most people have little understanding of what contributed to the breakup. We can usually tell in elaborate detail what our partners have done wrong, but we do not see our own errors.  We then enter the new relationship with the same baggage and unchanged. Conflict in a relationship is sometimes necessary to expose the areas in our lives where we are not Christlike. People get divorced chiefly because they have been hurt by a partner’s unchristlike behaviour.  When we live to grow in Christ’s humility, meekness, gentleness, the fruit of the spirit, godly character, faithfulness, loyalty and love, no one in the world would want to leave and separate.  There can thus be no justification but our own fickle hearts and unrestrained passions.

FOR NOT BECOMING A ‘THIEF’ – When getting involved emotionally with a married person, you set up a scene of fraud and theft. You are taking something that belongs to someone else.  Have you ever felt powerless when walking into your house that has been robbed? You are that person stealing! You are also the thief that is about to steal the trust and respect of the partner that has committed their life to you.  The pain of betrayal is like mourning the death of a loved one, but they are still alive and hurting you continually. One lady whose husband was unfaithful wrote in a letter to him: “you have robbed me for keeps, you make your partner an adulterer.  How would it feel if your partner left you for someone else?  The one person I allowed in, with whom I had no defence or secrets, betrayed me!

FOR OLD AGE PARTNERSHIP – Most breakups in relationships happens around the first seven years and then once the children have left home. This is when couples have to recommit themselves and renew their vows because they’re not the same people they once were.  Yet the period we need a partner, the most is old age! As we grow older, we become fragile and more and more dependent on each other. Many times one partner becomes more dependent. Difficult adults become very difficult old people.  This is why we had to grow, adapt and change as individuals in character and person to become the best we can be in the end. It is in old age that we appreciate the most the lives we have lived. 

FOR FRIENDSHIP – in divorce, you lose not only a partner, but you lose your friends. When a couple gets divorced, it brings an end to most of the friendships they have once shared.  Friends must decide with which partner they are going to side. Those who keep their distance not to get involved remain uninvolved altogether. As friends, we were supposed to get old together.  Divorce has such a huge ripple effect on the extended family and friendship circle we belong to.  This is why a healthy family is the bedrock of society’s moral fibre and strength. 

FOR ENDURANCE – being single is terrifying.  The dating scene is so clouded, where hidden motives thrive, and pretence, broken hearts seek solitude.  The uncertainty of finding love again, especially getting older, is a huge challenge.  Sexually it is about making that special connection, finding the one! We all seek intimacy, to know and to be known… But this really becomes quite a challenge if we have no way to learn, to be sure to find that particular person.  Enduring with the one you do know is certainly much easier.

FOR FOUNDATION – a relationship built on adultery and someone else’s heartbreak is doomed for failure.  There will always be trust issues, and respect issues. The divorce rate after the second marriage is considerably higher. Once you have been unfaithful, it is easy to do it again. 

FOR LOYALTY – We all treasure loyalty and fear the abandonment of the one we love. Yet some are willing to do exactly that and betray their partner, and helpmate their spouse.  Beware of turning your heart and seek to be nourished elsewhere.  All relationships go through difficulty, the routine of daily living, and the boring chores of responsibility and duty.  One may feel entitled to justify your unfaithfulness because of core needs not met within marriage.  The Bible instructs us to drink from our own fountain, the wife of your youth.   (Prov 5:18) All sexual needs should be met within marriage. (1 Cor 7:1-5) Learn to be content whether you get what you want or not.  Marriage is about give and take. If only one member in the relationship makes all the sacrifices, it will lead to disillusionment and discouragement. Kindle and rekindle the fire within the relationship and stay in the boat. 

FOR IT IS WORTH IT – I would love to ask every person who ever walked out and committed adultery whether it was worth it in the end? Years later, after all the damage caused has settled down, and the new relationship now also becomes routine, was it worth it? 

Fight for your marriage; it is worth it! 

SOME GROUND RULES

Do not withhold yourself from your spouse sexually. (Agreed time health-related reasons)

Do not keep in touch or seek out previous lovers.

Do not socialize alone with someone of the opposite sex.

Don’t counsel/help/comfort anyone of the opposite sex alone.

Let all conduct and deeds be done above all suspicion.

Don’t think you’re strong and it will never happen to you.  (Remember King David)

Your partner should be able to walk in and be part of any conversation and contact with someone of the opposite sex without hesitation.

There should be no secrets between you and your partner.

For no reason, turn your heart around!   

Flee at the first temptation!!! (Like Joseph)

Have a photo of your spouse on the homepage of your phone, on your desk in the office.

Always wear your ring.

REMAIN LOYAL TO YOUR SPOUSE

By definition, wrong can never be right or right wrong. You either pass the test, or you don’t. You sing on the note or not. Jesus is God’s complete and perfect right.  Jesus never did any wrong. He was perfect pitch. Sin or wrongdoing is when we miss or default on being Christlike. Lying, cheating, jealousy, envy, pride, arrogance, selfish narcissism, racism, hatred, rudeness, bitterness, unfaithfulness, and unforgiveness are singing out of tune. No wrongdoing is isolated. It always effects  someone or transgresses against someone.  Jesus, on the other hand, showed us to love, have compassion, altruism, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, joy, peace, and forgiveness. Perfect notes resonating with the rhythms of nature, an orchestra and a symphony of love and life.

Loyalty, the direction of your heart!

            Do not expose your partner’s vulnerability.

            Do not discuss your partner’s mistakes with someone else.

            Do not reprimand or correct your partner in front of others.

            Do not curse or threaten your partner.

            Do not mock and humiliate (shame) your partner.

            Do not help others before helping your spouse.

            Do not lie to your partner.  

            Do not misbehave and bring embarrassment to your partner 

            Do not isolate or disassociate yourself from your partner.

            Do not compare your partner to someone else. 

Keep turning your heart to your partner.

Keep confessing and forgiving.

Do actions that suit love, even if it feels like a duty.

See your partner in spirit, according to the Word.

See yourself in the Word.

DO NOT SEEK ANY DETACHMENT

Breaking these allegiances and promises is strongly condemned by the Bible as adultery! (Exo 20:14; Deuteronomy 5:18; Mat 5:27; 19:18; Romans 7:3; 13:9) The marriage covenant is seen as holy for the purpose of sanctifying the husband and wife, to create the ideal conditions for children to grow up in the woe of the Lord. 

The punishment when someone breaks the marriage         

Adulterers will be punished: Death (Genesis 20:7; Leviticus 20:10), Terrible judgment (Eze 16:35-41); they have blood on their hands (Eze 23:45; Malachi 2:10-17) and will not see the kingdom of heaven (Rev 22:14-15). 

BUILDING BLOCKS TO ONENESS

We all desire to find our soulmate; maybe the journeys are more about being a soulmate than finding one. 

“Who is subordinate to whom in a marriage?”

Winner or Loser

Slavery or Tyranny or Meaningful Negotiation

But a relationship does not have to be and should not be a question of one or the other as the winner, or even each alternating in that status, in an approximation of fairness. Instead, the couple can decide that each and both are subordinate to a principle, a higher-order principle, which constitutes their union in the spirit of illumination and truth.

“Furthermore, it has been said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery. (Mat 5:31-32)

Mathew 5 & 6 is considered to be the 10 commandments of the NT Jesus Movement.  It is here where He reduces 630 laws to only 2: Love the Lord your God will all your heart, soul and strength, and your neighbour as yourself. 

Jesus randomly deals with life’s questions, but by studying closely, there is a framework that holds the principles together.

1. The Law (Christ fulfills the law v17-20) Both submit to a Christ-centered approach and principle (LAW) or values of doing life. LOVE IS CHRIST We fall in love with the Christ we see in another.  Christ is the perfect law and will of God.  Being gentle, kind, patient, enduring, truthful, faithful, self-forgetful, forgiving, generous, brave, humble and meek is the higher order snd way of life we all submit too.
2. Daily Transactions (Manage needs, beware of moral judgements and labeling, agree with your adversary, yes is your yes, second mile, opposite spirit, love you enemies) Learn to negotiate through meaningful dialogue better solutions to life’s obstacles and challenges. (Transactions – Agreements) LOVE IS AGREEMENT. We make transactions daily.  Life is complicated and difficult, unpredictable and uncertain… we navigate life by making all kinds of transactional agreements with many people, beginning at home. Who is responsible for making the bed, cleaning the room, doing the laundry, and washing the dishes? Who is paying the bills and keeping the budget? What complicates transactions is poor performance of perceived standards.  As a matter of fact, our efficiency in keeping and fulfilling our agreements and building a network of trust in others fulfilling their promises is how we achieve some sort of order in the chaos.  The quality of these agreements, which of course changes and has to be renegotiated from time to time, is what makes one successful in life.  It is also the most vital building block to progress to the next level of the relational union – The believability of one’s oath.  
3. Oaths. (Adultery begins in the heart) Regularly and consistently Celebrate and nurture covenant unity and the sacred (OATH). LOVE IS FOCUS.  Failure in steps one and two makes it impossible to attain a meaningful oath and consequential oneness and holy union.  Many people make an oath, but because they miss the mark of the life and example of Christ, it leads to poor agreements and the assurance rendered meaningless. 

The power and deception of Romantic Love

Oh, the power of romantic love! It is the most beautiful experience in the world but can become the cruellest and darkest of experiences. It beautifies us yet has the potential to bring out the worst in us.

Why has God created us to love?

Romantic Love, in essence, is Spiritual. We only need to look at the love stories, the poetry, and the songs, and we find that a man-in-love has made of a woman a symbol of something universal, something inward, eternal, and transcendent. He sees a unique reality revealed in her; he feels completed, ennobled, refined, spiritualized, uplifted, and transformed into a new, better, and whole man being with the woman he loves.

We use words like ‘god’ and ‘goddess’ to describe our lovers; the experience is described as ‘perfect,’ ‘complete,’ and ‘out of this world.’ We feel raptured, fully connected, and at peace; nothing can go wrong. We believe we can conquer the world. We’re full of new hope, energy, and ecstasy! We can see no fault in our lover. Romantic love is the most potent motion and the most passionate of causes on earth. It makes people do things they would never have done before. When we fall in love, we feel alive; our senses are awakened to a newness and freshness of life, not like at any other moment in our lives. Oh, but the agony of love lost! The realization that it was only a moment! The depression and horror one faces when this love cannot be consummated is despair like no other. People commit suicide! They want to end it all. The rage one feels when romantic love disappoints has led, in some cases, to crimes of passion.

The Bible says this love is stronger than death, and many waters cannot quench it! It’s flames are fire, a most vehement fire! Song 8:6-7

When we “fall in love” we feel complete, as though a missing part of ourselves has been returned to us; we feel uplifted, as though we were suddenly raised above the level of the ordinary world. Life in love has intensity, glory, ecstasy, and transcendence. We seek in romantic love to be possessed by our love, to soar to the heights, and to find ultimate meaning and fulfilment in our beloved. We’re looking for the feeling of wholeness.

Romantic love is not an emotion. It is a drive.

Romantic love moves us. Let’s read Helen Fisher’s scientific conclusion on Romantic Love:

I study the brain in love. My colleagues and I have put forty-nine people who were madly in love into a brain scanner (hmri). Seventeen had just fallen happily in love; fifteen had just been rejected in love; seventeen were men and women in their fifties who maintained they were still “in love” with their spouse after an average of twenty- one years of marriage. All showed activity in a tiny factory near the base of the brain that pumps out dopamine—the neural liquor that gives you the energy, focus, craving, and motivation associated with intense romantic passion — what the ancient Greeks called “the madness of the gods.” Helen Fisher.

According to Fisher, her studies have shown that Sexual drive is what drives us to find a partner to reproduce. Romantic Love is the drive that keeps us together long enough for the infant to be out of danger, which is between 12 – 18 months. Because of the very high levels of dopamine, which helps creativity, people tend to write their experiences in poems and songs. We, therefore, have more than enough evidence of just how powerful romantic love can be by studying the words and expressions of the poets.

The place where Romantic love occurs in the brain is associated with obsession, high-risk gambling, compulsive disorders and drug addicts. When love is lost, the same withdrawal symptoms occur as seen among addicts. The place where romantic love happens in the brain is right at the core, called the reptilian brain. It is below the emotional and cognitive part of the brain responsible for feelings of reward, motivation, wanting, focus and craving. Feeling the rush of cocaine would also occur in exactly the same place. But it is much more than a cocaine rush; at least you come down from the effect. Romantic love is an obsession; it possesses you, you lose all sense of self, and you cannot stop thinking of the object of your love. It is like someone is camping in your head. Not getting the person you love actually increases the effect. You just cannot get him or her out of your head. Romantic love affects the part of our brain where we calculate and measure and are willing to take impossible high risks. This is why many lovers are willing to lose it all to win the prize of my love! They are willing to take any risk and pay any prize to see love fulfilled. Fisher[1]

Romantic love is a need; it’s an addiction.

Romantic love has the same symptoms as addiction: tolerance, withdrawal, and relapse. You’re willing to endure all kinds of suffering to be with the one you love. When love is not fulfilled, and you cannot have your love, it leads to withdrawal symptoms physically and emotionally. And it takes one picture months and even years later to start it all again with the same vigorous power it had on you in the beginning.

Surely this is why the Sullumite begs, “do not awaken love before it’s time!” This is a power that has brought great men to their end and ruin! It is an extraordinary power to enjoy and nurture for a lifetime in marriage, but it can be a destroying power when you do not guard your heart. David, the great spiritual King of Israel, the man that God said he loved as a friend, this man fell in love with the end result being adultery and murder! What is the lesson we learn from history? No person is immune to its power.

The stories of Christian leaders and respectable men and women who have fallen from grace are enumerable! Daily we hear of another divorce, another sexually immoral act performed by Christian Believers.

I believe the answer has been looking us in the face for centuries! From the beginning to the end of the Bible, God is calling us to one thing:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength!” 95% of people will acknowledge the fact that they have loved and it was not to be, or that they have disappointed another who has loved. Not many have escaped the tragedy of love not being effectuated. We are all in some form of relapse. Looking on Facebook for clues, glimpses of what could have been. The sorrow of regret and the agony of rejection are heavy loads to carry and tug alongside us throughout life. Did we marry the wrong person? Surely this cannot be it! How can something so perfect now feel so ordinary and boring? Where is the excitement? Where is the glory?

The truth is romantic love wears off!

According to Imago therapists, romantic love is only the first stage in a relationship. The second stage is the power struggle. That is where we become aware of each other’s faults, bad habits, and differences. It happens to all of us. That first spiritually enlightened moment has gone by, and here we are, settled in a rut.

What is God’s purpose for romantic love.

Let us look at this answer again. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. I sincerely do not believe God created us with the ability to fall in love, to be heartbroken for a lifetime. Indeed no one is perfect, and we cannot prevent ourselves from hurt or offence! (Luk 17:2) Somewhere, our bubble is going to burst. It is in God that this yearning for love is nurtured and fulfilled! It is in Him that we discover all the glory, fullness and perfection. It is His love that completes us and makes us whole. When we are firstly and foremostly in love with Him, then we can happily fall in love with someone, who has also surrendered his or her heart to Him. His love heals us from all selfishness and makes us the best partner to be with.

Religious formality and traditions will never satisfy man’s hunger for a loving God. It is only when we experience God personally and powerfully in our own lives that we begin to look at Him with new eyes. It is when we discover for ourselves the light in His eyes that our heart turns violently in our core! We fall in love with God! This is the core of worship – LOVE! Pouring out our love on Him is what completes us. This is the reason why we were made. This is the point of life – Misty Edwards.

Romantic love is profoundly personal and focused. Until we love God this way and fall for Him, we are truly lost. This is why God is a God of encounters; He is involved in our lives. He heals and sets people free. He does miracles and signs so that we can see His love. Give your heart to Him! Let your soul finally be satisfied with the true love you seek – God. This is why He gave us the Holy Spirit so that we can feel Him and sense Him. This is why we need to be in a church where people passionately love God because this love is contagious! God’s love is not selfish and self-serving. When we love Him, He teaches us to go and love likewise. He shares His love and wants us to share it too.

Finally: a word to young people and single people. When you fall in love with someone that is not saved and born again, when romantic love subsides and fades away, you will find yourself committed, engaged and married to someone that does not have your values, mindset, perspective, identity, habits or focus. This leads to much pain and resentment later, ultimately leading to divorce. This person should find Christ before you commit and go deeper into the relationship.

The person you commit to should know beforehand who you are and your desire to follow Jesus and His ways! Do not compromise on this! What you compromise to win, you will lose! Your romantic affection makes you believe he/she is an angel and perfect, but they’re not! It’s the chemicals in your brain messing with your head! It is easy to fall in love with someone, but it is tough to keep falling in love with someone who does not change and becomes more and more Christlike as they grow older. This only happens in marriages where both partners are fully committed to their walk with God.

Purposefully fill your life with God. Let His love heal and restore you completely. Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, strength and mind!!!

[1] https://helenfisher.com/books/why-we-love-the-nature-and-chemistry-of-romantic-love/

[1] Bell, Rob. Sex God (Kindle Locations 558-563). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Week #6 Contentment and Practical Resolutions

CONTENTMENT

Key scripture: But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-12

Many marriages begin to show cracks in the Bond of Love, once discontentment creeps in. Discontentment is the secret root of discord and a clear sign of someone who is turning their heart away from their partner.   

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Cor 13:4-8)

Contentment is an inner sufficiency that keeps us at peace in spite of outward circumstances.  Contentment understands that if I am not satisfied with what I have, I will never be satisfied with what I want. We may not “need” as much as we think. And we’re not entitled to our “wants”.  Contentment requires appreciating what we have.

Contentment is not the same as settling for less. It is being settled despite your circumstance.  Contentment is an acknowledgement of existing blessings.

One of the lessons we are forced to learn in life is to learn to be content. At school, we have to learn mathematics whether we like to or not. The same with contentment: the quicker we learn, the better! Contentment is not what we think it is, and we cannot fake it either. It has to be a work of grace in our lives. We need to know the promises of God that lead to contentment. We need to know how to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, who works contentment into our lives as believers. Otherwise, the Christian experience can be one big frustration! AJP

BE CONTENT WITH:

In their respective callings: 1 Co 7:20.

With appointed wages: Lu 3:14.

With what things they have: Heb 13:5.

With food and clothing: 1Ti 6:8.

A discontented man is never rich, and a contented man is always rich. Ecclesiastes 5:10

WHAT CONTENTMENT IS NOT:

It is not apathy, passivity and laziness. That contentment is based on a false peace rooted in fear, disappointment and unbelief.   Contentment is not an emotion or a feeling. I usually feel content after a meal or after achieving something great. This type of contentment is temporary.  

ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES THAT KILL CONTENTMENT:

Comparison kills contentment. Comparison is the death of joy.

Vein fantasies of the mind can create a false reality disconnecting you from what is real. 

Covetousness destroys contentment. Exodus 20:17

Frustration – unhappy, dejected, troubled.

WAYS HOW WE CAN LEARN TO BE CONTENT:

Devoting time to God, family and friends – LOVE Learn to love. Psalm 128:5-6

Appreciating what they have and learn to GIVE

Maintaining an optimistic outlook – FAITH

Feeling a sense of purpose – CALLING

Living in the moment – GRACE

JESUS BECAME DISCONTENT SO THAT WE CAN BE FOREVER CONTENT IN HIM

Jesus often declared that He would give true contentment, fullness. quenching our thirst forever! Never thirst again… John 4:13-16

On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. John 7:37 On the cross, He became thirsty so that truly we that believe in Him will never thirst again. At the end of the Cross, He said: “I thirst” John 19:28-30.

Covetousness

The great spender – only feels good when can spend.

The great saver – only feels good when we have a bigger nest-egg

Both Fears based in Covetousness!

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1 Tim 6:6-10

RESPONSIBILITY & ROLES

The ROLE and Responsibility of MEN

The Simple Reason 90% of men are lost in Life.

The simple reason is responsibility. Year by year, more men are almost scared of responsibility, and because of that, they feel lost; they feel like they have nothing to strive for, which is deadening for a man.[1]

Men are appointed by God to be the Leader. “one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)” 1 Tim 3:4

Women expect their Husbands to be the:

• Protector – Feel safe.
• Provider – Economically sustained.
• Scout – Find the way.
• General – Give Direction and make a decision.
• Priest – serve and lead by example.
• Physician – Tenderness.
• King – Nobility.[2]

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. (Eph 5:22)

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (1 Pet 3:1-6)

Men expect their wives to:

• Submit
• Help
• Support

Reciprocal Mutual Building Together

Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but all things are from God. 1 Cor 11:11

PRACTICAL RESOLUTIONS

Financial Wisdom:

• Share one Bank Account.
• Have a Savings Account.
• Share all Passwords.
• Create Budget and keep to it.
• Have a Life-cover Policy for both income creators.
• Choose a Hospital Plan cover for medical needs, as a bare minimum.
• Save money for long term – 20 years.
• Beware of loans, rather create savings account and save to purchase.
• Share Email Accounts.
• Share one Social Media Account per platform.
• Share one Diary.
• Who is responsible for payments and checking of bills and bank Statements.
• Create a Payment Debt Register – Company name, Closing Balance, and Monthly Bill. Who to contact.
• File all important INFO, certificates, accounts, policies, physically, but also in the Cloud.
• Create a Will and Testament – Use family Relative as Executor.Make sure your documents and files are discoverable for close family members. 

[1] The Simple Reason 90% of Men Are Lost in Life | Jordan Peterson

 https://youtu.be/iI__r2U8jX0

[2] Portrait of Marriage – Walk thru the Bible – Bruce Wilkerson